He squirms against the wall and it isn't because he wants to escape from the other man's grasp, he'd have Joel's hands on his body at all times if he had any choice in the matter, but he still finds it difficult to accept that someone could care this much. His jaw works as his gaze flickers from Joel's eyes to Joel's shoulder to the ground and back to Joel's eyes and his hands tremble at his sides because he can feel the his chest swelling with gratitude for the fact that Joel Baker is his boyfriend. Spencer has no reason to doubt him and really, rationally, he doesn't because Joel's hit it right on the head--Spencer has never trusted anyone like he trusts Joel but he's afraid now that Joel hasn't seem him for who he really is. He doesn't feel brave or strong or even all that positive, he can't imagine what he's been doing to give that impression.
The way Joel looks at him, though, is almost unreal and when Spencer finally forces himself to lock eyes with the other man, his own widen a little. It floors him every time, seeing just how much of how he feels about Joel is reflected back at him. He has no idea what he's done to deserve this, it seems too good to be true that a man who could truly have anyone he wants and doesn't even know it could want him. It's not the first time he's thought that, it won't be the last; but even though he has these raging fits of insecurity because for the first time ever, he wants to be able to give someone everything, he doesn't doubt what Joel says. Joel isn't a cruel man, it's not as if he's saying this to get Spencer into bed because they'd waited long enough to have sex in the first place and now they have and Joel's still here. He's here, saying amazing things that are making Spencer's eyes well up because Joel makes him feel so much like he's worth so much more than the dirty looks, the biting accusations and rumors, the words that make him wonder what he's ever done to make people think he's so rotten to the core.
"I didn't-- I wasn't trying to-- You're the only person who's ever said things like this to me," he says, welcoming Joel's tongue into his mouth and lifting a hand to rest lightly on Joel's hip. When they part, he's tempted to lower his gaze again but he keeps his eyes level, offering a weak and apologetic smile. "I don't mean to make it sound like I doubt you. I don't, I never will, and you couldn't possibly be better because you're truly already the best man I know. The things you've done for me, I can't tell you how much-- God, Joel." He lifts his other hand to cup Joel's cheek, his thumb brushing against the line of the other man's beard as he relaxes against the wall and pulls Joel in for another kiss.
"I'd made peace with being alone for the rest of my life," he admits softly, shrugging a shoulder as if it means nothing, as if the very idea of that isn't one that makes him want to curl up into a ball and cry now. This is it for him, Spencer knows. There's nobody else, nobody could even come close to affecting him like this. He'd been content just a couple months ago to settle in for a book and a glass of whiskey in his living room, alone but with his thoughts, and that had been fine. Ideal, even. "But then you found me and everything changed. It was like having a veil lifted, and you-- you've never once made me feel like I can't be myself, you just accepted me for who I am and that was it."
He can't believe he's saying all this except at the same time, of course he can because this is what his relationship with Joel is. It's trust, it's being able to tell each other things he'd never thought he'd say out loud, mostly because he hadn't expected to ever even have them in his head at all. "You don't know, Joel. You don't know because I can't tell you, I can't put it into words how important you are to me."
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Date: 2014-07-07 08:36 am (UTC)The way Joel looks at him, though, is almost unreal and when Spencer finally forces himself to lock eyes with the other man, his own widen a little. It floors him every time, seeing just how much of how he feels about Joel is reflected back at him. He has no idea what he's done to deserve this, it seems too good to be true that a man who could truly have anyone he wants and doesn't even know it could want him. It's not the first time he's thought that, it won't be the last; but even though he has these raging fits of insecurity because for the first time ever, he wants to be able to give someone everything, he doesn't doubt what Joel says. Joel isn't a cruel man, it's not as if he's saying this to get Spencer into bed because they'd waited long enough to have sex in the first place and now they have and Joel's still here. He's here, saying amazing things that are making Spencer's eyes well up because Joel makes him feel so much like he's worth so much more than the dirty looks, the biting accusations and rumors, the words that make him wonder what he's ever done to make people think he's so rotten to the core.
"I didn't-- I wasn't trying to-- You're the only person who's ever said things like this to me," he says, welcoming Joel's tongue into his mouth and lifting a hand to rest lightly on Joel's hip. When they part, he's tempted to lower his gaze again but he keeps his eyes level, offering a weak and apologetic smile. "I don't mean to make it sound like I doubt you. I don't, I never will, and you couldn't possibly be better because you're truly already the best man I know. The things you've done for me, I can't tell you how much-- God, Joel." He lifts his other hand to cup Joel's cheek, his thumb brushing against the line of the other man's beard as he relaxes against the wall and pulls Joel in for another kiss.
"I'd made peace with being alone for the rest of my life," he admits softly, shrugging a shoulder as if it means nothing, as if the very idea of that isn't one that makes him want to curl up into a ball and cry now. This is it for him, Spencer knows. There's nobody else, nobody could even come close to affecting him like this. He'd been content just a couple months ago to settle in for a book and a glass of whiskey in his living room, alone but with his thoughts, and that had been fine. Ideal, even. "But then you found me and everything changed. It was like having a veil lifted, and you-- you've never once made me feel like I can't be myself, you just accepted me for who I am and that was it."
He can't believe he's saying all this except at the same time, of course he can because this is what his relationship with Joel is. It's trust, it's being able to tell each other things he'd never thought he'd say out loud, mostly because he hadn't expected to ever even have them in his head at all. "You don't know, Joel. You don't know because I can't tell you, I can't put it into words how important you are to me."