happiness is a warm puppy [open to all]

[doublethepain]

He's definitely come down with something.

It's hardly cause for panic, really, just a bit of congestion; some coughing that he thinks he's done a fair job of keeping under wraps; maybe a slightly sore throat, a few pressure headaches here and there, a case of the chills; but he's fine, Spencer is sure of it. He's fine because he's got a ring on his finger and a puppy at the end of his leash, so there's nothing at all in his life that he can complain about right now.

John had most generously given him half a day off--"a wedding gift from me to you" is how his boss had put it--so Spencer had stopped back at home to get Huxley before heading in some direction or another, he hadn't really had a plan. It's not very surprising that his feet seem to take him in the direction of Crossroads, as they so often do, but a part of him hopes that he'll run into some people he knows on the way there. He has news, after all, and he's not one to call up all his friends--not that it would take long, he muses--to share even the most exciting parts of his life, but he does want people to know.

He's happy, happier than he's ever been and not just since his mother and Dane had died. He has so much to be thankful for, so much to come to look forward to, and he can't remember the last time he'd felt so optimistic about his future. He smiles to himself as he watches Huxley sniff at the grass on the sidewalk before the puppy scrambles to meet a pair of feet that's headed their way, jumping up on his hind legs to paw at the stranger. Spencer's smile doesn't fade as he lifts his head to look at the other person; in fact, it only grows wider.

"You're in for it now," he says, a teasing edge to his tone. "Huxley seems to grow attached to people far too quickly for his own good."




[OOC: Spencer's a little under the weather right now because I am, too but he's in an excellent mood so it would be a great time to say hello, whether your character has already met him or not :) Find him walking his and Joel's new puppy Huxley or catch him wherever is convenient for your character to be. As long as that place allows dogs.]

Comments

[aoife_coombs]

"I thought I was pretty happy when I'm arriving here. And that's not a complaint to you."

Aoife folds the handkerchief into a little patch. "I thought I was always pretty happy."

[just_another]

Joel hasn't known a lot of happiness until recently. Not that his life hasn't been good, but until Spencer it had always just been good enough. Quiet, uncompromised, and generally lonely, but not necessarily happy. He shakes his head at Aoife's comment and says, "I don't really know how to judge happiness. I think you can be happy and still acknowledge that you don't have to always be that way."

[aoife_coombs]

"is that advice?" She tips her head back to look at him. "That sounded a little bit like advice."

[doublethepain]

"Only if you don't mind that I'll be peering over your shoulder the entire time," he answers, though his eyes flicker up to where Eli had been standing just to make sure the other man has really gone. It wouldn't have surprised him to see Eli stalking toward them, fists balled at his sides, because the bully's never been very good about holding back his rage--even though the rage almost always seems to be directed somewhere inappropriate. He pushes aside the needling worry deep in his gut over what might happen if Eli ever did try to cause trouble for him again, what Joel might do to punish Eli for more than just some nasty words and a shove. Spencer knows how closed he'd come to killing Mark, and Spencer himself had believed he had. He still wonders once in awhile what it might have meant for him, how it would have impacted him, if it really had been Mark he'd beaten to death rather than that creature on the island. He'd told Joel he'd felt no guilt, and it's true because they'll do anything for each other, anything to protect each other; but he also knows he'd never want Joel to have to carry that burden of being responsible for truly hurting anyone, no matter what the circumstances.

He shakes himself from those thoughts because they have no place here, not when they're talking about their future child, and he matches Joel's smile with one of his own as his eyes drift to Huxley's tiny, sleeping form. "I'm excited," he says, voice soft and almost bashful, though there's no reason to be. It's not as if it's embarrassing to admit that he's looking forward to starting a family with his husband, it's just that this is a discussion he'd never imagined having. "I remember thinking about it in high school, not seriously entertaining anything, just thinking about it. What it would be like to have a family of my own. Then I got older, and I kept getting older, and I just... forgot. I forgot what it was like to be excited about my future."

He'd never really pictured leaving Siren Cove, Spencer knows he couldn't have left his family. Even when they'd been taken from him, he couldn't bear the thought of selling the house because it had been the only thing left to remind him of how he'd once been so loved. Things are different now, of course, and he doesn't anticipate Joel ever suggesting they leave this town for somewhere knew but if he did, Spencer wouldn't hestitate to follow. Joel is his family, the one person in this world who Spencer can be happy with anywhere they are--even facing the fear of never leaving that island, he'd taken comfort in the fact that he was at least with Joel.

Discussing having kids, though--and not just dicussing the possiblity, they're discussing the actual process, it's an inevitability now--puts things into perspective because like their marriage, it's something that spans not just weeks or months into the future but years and decades. He'd all but given up on the idea, had been more or less committed to being alone for the rest of his life until a few short months ago, and he feels like having all of this come at him so quickly should be strange in some way but somehow, none of it is. It all seems perfectly right.

He lets out a soft laugh, wondering if Joel can see just how much adoration is radiating from his aura because Spencer certainly feels it filling every part of him, and he presses a light kiss to the tip of his husband's nose. "It's just funny that it's barely been a week since I couldn't believe we were really getting married and now... Now we're talking about having our own little family. You've given me everything I never thought I'd have back, I--" He shakes his head fondly. "I just really love you."

[doublethepain]

His smile fades a bit when she says that--fine like I'm fine--and he remembers how he hadn't quite believed what she'd said about being okay while he and Joel had been out of town. Mostly, he thinks that the worst has passed, and really it has, but the ugliest of thoughts come rearing their ugly heads at the strangest times, like just now while talking about nothing more than a silly fever. "So not very fine at all?" he questions, hoping is tone is as gentle as he's trying to make it. "You know that if-- if something's wrong, you can... Well, I know you know."

He knows he's still hasn't quite mastered being an excellent conversationalist about his feelings, though he thinks he's gotten better at it with Raleigh and, of course, there's nobody he's more comfortable with than Joel. He'll find himself spilling bits of information here and there with people he barely knows more and more often now, and he's certain that only comes from the practice he gets with his husband and Raleigh--without them, he'd likely be suffering at home alone right now with his cold, a book, and a glass of whiskey to get rid of the aftertase of cough syrup.

"I'm not going home," he argues, and he doesn't know why he's being so petulant and stubborn when it's already been established that he's decidedly not fine, but it turns out that some things never change--he'll always be a bit bratty when he's ill, apparently. He's just like he has two people in his life who are so accomodating. "I've got... things to do."

He has absolutely nothing to do other than harass his poor husband, but that's not something he needs to admit. Instead, he zones in on how despicably red Raleigh's gotten, it's almost like watching a cartoon, and he raises an eyebrow. "Why are you flushing like that? And this isn't the first time you've called me horrible, I'm going to start thinking it's true eventually and where will we be then?"

[doublethepain]

"Well, he's said a few wise things here and there," he replies, a wry smile playing at the corners of his lips. "And no, I haven't read every book in there. There's quite a few Harlequin romances that I haven't bothered to get to know."

There's also quite a few of the more mystical texts that he hasn't quite worked his way through yet because there's never a shortage of new donated books to be shelved away; but he's trying. He's married a witch, after all, it would do him well to get a general understanding of that history.

[louise_abasi]

"Elitist, mister librarian. Probably left wing elitist to willingly ignore the fictional treasures of the eh - ..romance world. I feel kind of dirty right now, saying that."

She bites her tongue. "Books are the only thing that make me sleep right now. Fiction, of course. I've had enough reality for a while."

[doublethepain]

He narrows his eyes, trying to determine whether the name sounds familiar, and there's a distant recognition deep within his brain but he can't be sure about placing it. "I'm interested in it, but I'm afraid I can't quite place the name. I work at the library, though, at least for a few more days. I'd be happy to help you with some research, if you'd like."

He'd only heard about the crabs in passing and had only bothered to spare enough energy to be thankful for the fact that Joel had left before that had happened. Spencer had skipped the beach party, not quite one for general town festivities in the first place, but it hadn't surprised him one bit to hear that something had happened to put a damper on it all.

"It's... part of what I mean. To be honest, the crab problem doesn't exactly phase me." It worries him just a bit, to be perfectly honest, that he's not very much affected anymore by the strange things that happen in Siren Cove. Too much has changed his life already and to be fair, most of that change has been for the best; but then again, some of them decidedly haven't. "I've just-- Well, not just me, many of us, we've found ourselves in situations that aren't the most desirable."

Mark Fuller hadn't been a supernatural problem but he'd certainly been a problem, and Spencer balls his left hand into a fist out of reflex before shaking it out just to prove to himself that those fingers are fine now, they'd been broken but then they'd healed, and he tries to be as subtle as he can about the deep breath he takes. "You're certainly right about it being more than it seems. You don't know much about the history of the town, then. The story about the rivalry?"

[doublethepain]

"Not elitist, they just..." He trails off, pursing his lips as his cheeks flush red because this is exactly what reading the romance novels make him do, they make his cheeks fire up. He's not sure they'd have the same effect now, considering he and Joel get up to much more than what's written in those books, but that's neither here nor there. "They just aren't my cup of tea, that's all."

"I understand what that's like, though it's not books that help me sleep." Rather, it's Joel, and he'd stopped being able to fall asleep without his husband by his side not long after what had happened in that lighthouse.

[callmeemily]

She freezes when he says it, and his voice is right, his tone is actually kind, but her eyes flick to his and... honestly? She looks guilty. She looks guilty, and she hesitates, but that's when her hand touches his forehead and her own guilt--

That's what it is, guilt. Not just because she hasn't told him, because she hasn't asked for help, but because she's twisted up inside from what ultimately became her promising Levi she'd call her family and she's so fucking scared...

But she can't. She can't tell him, not when he's this sick, she's got no business asking him for help when she knows there's no answer besides her figuring it the hell out. He can't do it for her, he can't call them. It's on her. But he's got a fever, and she's not thinking about her guilt or whatever anymore; it's just as forgotten as it was before he'd brought it up.

"You're sick, Spencer. You're going home. Your things can wait, or I can do them, or Joel can do them, but you've got to rest. Seriously."

That's just before she turns the color of a tomato, and she's just- she rolls her eyes. "It's because you're a menace. I mean, the world's best menace, but-" She coughs. "And it's just warm in here. Okay? I am probably the last person in this whole town who's mind would be in the gutter, so just- just drink your tea." She starts cuddling Huxley because he isn't going to care that she's all red, and she glances up at Spencer, her voice lowering a little. "If you really do have things to do, I... I'll come with you. I just- I'm worried about you."

[doublethepain]

He softens at that, reaching out to scratch his pup behind the ears and chuckling when Huxley turns his head to lick at Spencer's hand. Spencer lets his eyes shift back to Raleigh, biting down on his lip before he speaks again. "As much as I appreciate the concern and care, I can promise you that I am going to be okay. It's just the flu, Raleigh, that's all. The fever will pass, all of it will, it just needs some time." He's not sure if he's actually talking about his illness anymore or not but either way, there's truth in his words.

Whatever is on Raleigh's mind, Spencer knows she's holding it back because she doesn't want to be a burden. "I think you're right, we are more alike than not," he says, offering a weak smile. He still finds it difficult to be willing to unload his problems, even on Joel, because for so long, he's had to deal with them on his own. He'd been left alone, certain that he'd never love or be loved or anything close to that again, and it had come as such a shock to discover that people existed in this world who could make him feel alive again.

"I don't have anything to do," he admits, shoulders slumping in defeat. "I wanted to help Joel at Crossroads and you here, but you're both being terrible bullies." That last part is teasing, and he hopes she knows that, but he's having trouble trying to make his tone light because he wants to be able to help her without whatever's weighing her down. "I'm worried about you, too, by the way. It's a mutual thing, it seems."

[callmeemily]

"If I come with you, will you rest?" It's a quiet question, and she's trying not to push him more than he'll let her push without getting upset - and she knows she honestly can't make him do anything.

"And if you give me the flu, you owe me huge, Waters. Huge." She looks at him pointedly, before she slides onto the barstool that's on this side of the table, letting Huxley explore and he promptly takes the short amount of leash that Raleigh gave him to walk over to Spencer, and plop himself down with a sigh between Spencer and his mug, nuzzling his hand and licking his wrist.

Raleigh leans her chin on her hand, and he mentions he's worried, and....

"I'm worried about me, too."

Her eyes flick to his with that quiet confession, and she just looks- right then, she's actually let the facade that she purposefully has kept in place minus a mere handful of slips... she lets it slide away, and she just looks tired. Raleigh looks exhausted and worn, and she reaches over to squeeze his hand. "Think- Do you think that maybe we could do another cup of tea each? I know I was the one pushing to get you home, but..." But maybe they could talk, or else... "I mean, tea's supposed to be good for you, right?"

[louise_abasi]

"I wasn't serious, Spencer. Sorry, I should have said it with a smile on my face." She smiles. "It's just that my cheeks are hurting ever since brunch."

"I never even read a back text of a romance novel and still judge them. I can be the elitist."

[fairywren]

Wren smiles. "I appreciate it. I'm sure it'll take some digging but I'd like to find out more about that side of the family. And dusty records have never put me off." Despite the last name he was given, he feels much closer ties to the Sauvageon side of the family; it's just laziness and to some degree, recognizability, that kept him from discarding his father's surname.

Wren nods and isn't sure if that's a warning, and if so a genuine one or a test. Spencer seems friendly, with the offer to help research, but that's a bit of a portent. "I'm sorry to hear that," he says, thoughtfully. Still, Wren's prone to more curiousity, not less, when confronted by unpleasantness.

He doesn't miss the uneasy shake of the young man's hand, either, and wonders what might have happened, but keeps that to himself. "I've heard the outlines," he says, "the starcrossed lovers and the curse. Coombs and Thorntons. They must still be the big families here. But historical truths, no, not really. Most of what I've heard about this town is somewhat obscured by legend."

[just_another]

"I really love you," Joel answers easily, with a smile as he places his hand against Spencer's chest, shifting the dog gently in his lap so he can do so. Spencer has changed so much in his life, not the least of which is the store and the puppy now sleeping against his chest. He's changed Joel in so many ways, all of them for the better, but the idea of having a family, having that chance to do something he'd never really imagined himself doing until now is incredible. When people -- mostly his parents -- had asked him if he wanted a family in the past, he'd always just shrug and grunt out some noncommittal answer to avoid giving a response. He had just never really cared about the possibility and had always wanted to avoid getting into a conversation about how he'd want it some day or he'd changed his mind or any of the vast comments fed to people who don't seem especially interested in having a family.

But Spencer has changed that, too. Now when he thinks about the prospect of having a family, he's excited. It's something he wants to do, but he realizes now he had to find the right person to do it with, that just anyone he'd met over the years wouldn't have been able to bring this desire and this instinct out of him. He's always been protective, he's always wanted to keep the people who are close to him safe and out of danger, but for so long that's really only ever applied to Charlotte and he can't keep treating her like she's a child when she's clearly not.

"I never thought about it much," he admits, because he doesn't think Spencer will be surprised and he doubts he'll be offended. "It was one of those things I imagined was fine for other people, but wouldn't ever be something I would want and it never occurred to me that maybe I felt that way just because I hadn't met the right person." He smiles, then shakes his head a little. "Then again, I'd truly never given much thought to meeting the right person, because that involved meeting anyone." And Spencer knows as well as anyone else just how often Joel avoided that sort of thing. Any situations where he had to be social had been shut down as quickly as possible and even the first time they'd met, he'd been awfully gruff. He remembers grabbing Spencer by the back of the neck to shove him back into the library and he flushes faintly, trying to imagine how Spencer possibly decided he liked him after that.

"But with you..." He trails off and tries to find the right words, but as is so often the case when it comes to Spencer, they won't quite come. There are so many things he can thank him for, so many new experiences he's had because Spencer loves him, so many feelings he's finally come to understand and it's all because of Spencer. "You make me feel like anything is possible. I know that sounds... well, it sounds pretty cheesy, but it's true. I can do things I never thought I could do now and I can do them because of you."

[doublethepain]

The instinct is to say no, just something to be contrary, but he can't bring himself to do it anymore. She's looking at him with those tired eyes, like she's being drained of her energy more and more with every passing moment, and he doesn't want to be responsible for causing her any more stress or strife. "Sure, I'll rest," he tells her, and it's not necessarily a lie; it's quite possible that he'll get home and lose whatever drive that's been keeping him upright and just collapse in a heap on the couch until Joel comes home to drag him back up to their room.

"Don't get close to me if you don't want to catch anything," he says, lifting his chin up as if she's offended him in some way. He'd tried to keep his distance from Joel but it had quickly proven to be a pointless effort. He doesn't have the same problem with Raleigh, though, she's not someone who's going to insist on kissing him even though he's quite possibly contagious, so he scrapes his barstool a few inches back from the counter even though she's on the other side of it just to make a point.

When she admits that she's worried about herself, he freezes because there's something akin to dread that bursts in his chest before flowing through the rest of his body. He wants to know but he doesn't want to know, but he needs to know so he nods. "We can have as many cups as you'd like." He lowers his eyes to the mug on the countertop, mind racing with all the different reasons she might not be okay--most selfishly, though, he wonders whether the fact that he and Joel's leaving town had been the cause of it.

"Well, I can think of at least thirty-three health benefits of drinking tea off the top of my head, though there are almost certainly more. Tea can help to lower stress levels, blood pressure, cholesterol, heart disease, it can help to fight infection... and I'm rambling about tea, so I can't be that sick, now can I?"

[doublethepain]

"I like cheesy when it's coming from you." It's just as cheesy a thing to say, but he suspects Joel won't mind because it's not as if either of them have had much of a reason to say these sorts of things to anyone else. Joel is, after all, Spencer's very first real relationship. It doesn't bother him that Joel's loved before, the only thing that would upset him at all about that would be the fact that it had ended in a way that had caused Joel so much pain. Mark Fuller had broken Spencer's fingers, he'd left behind the kinds of scars that aren't quickly healed, but it had meant a kind of pain so different for Joel.

Spencer doesn't know how he'd react if faced with the same situation, just that he'd do absolutely anything to protect Joel if it did--just as his husband had done for him. Sometimes he wonders what would happen if his mother and brother's cases were ever to be re-opened, if new evidence ever came to light, and Spencer has imagined all sorts of different scenarios for coming face-to-face with whoever had killed his family. When he dreams of it, the person is faceless, just a vague shape that Spencer can't ever quite make out; but some nights, the figure's life is slowly drained from its body under Spencer's hands. Some nights, they just stare at each other until Spencer finally asks why, only for the figure to disappear. Some nights, the figure talks with a voice so distorted that Spencer has to beg and shout for it to repeat itself, desperate for answers that he feels deep down in his gut that he'll never get.

So yes, cheesy is welcome. Cheesy is very much desired after the past few years that have only brought him tragedy and the kind of internal suffering he'd never felt he could unload on anyone because it would mean having to establish a level of trust he simply wasn't capable before he'd met the man beside him. He looks up to the sky and there's a slight chill in the air but the sky is very nearly clear. He lets his eyes slip shut as a cloud shifts out of the way of the sun and Spencer feels the warmth of the beam shining down on his face. Someday, it won't just be the two of them--and Huxley, of course--sitting on this bench together, it'll be the two of them and their baby. It'll be their family, and Spencer knows with absolutely certainty that he will never, ever let anyone take that away from them. Not if he can help it.

His eyes flutter back open, and he covers Joel's hand on his chest with his own, lowering his head to brush his lips over his husband's fingertips. "We're quite good for each other, aren't we?" he asks, but it's not a real question because they both already know the answer. There's nobody better for Spencer than Joel, and he truly believes that anyone familiar with either of them would have no choice but to agree. They'd been the libarian and the bookshop owner before they'd met but now, they're Spencer and Joel; and Spencer wouldn't have it any other way.

"Do you think you'd want a girl or a boy more? I know we'll be happy either way, but I can just imagine how horrible your glower would be if we had a teenage daughter bring a date home for the first time." He laughs at the image that forms in his head, a scowling Joel with silver-laced hair and his arms crossed over his broad chest as he fixes their child's fidgeting date with a glare. "God, we're going to have a child. Us, you and me, we're going to have a little boy or girl. It's so strange to think about."

[just_another]

Joel smiles, nodding in response to Spencer's question although he doesn't think either of them really needs an answer. All his adult life, he never imagined there would be anyone capable of drawing him out, that there would never be a single person who was actually good for him, who cared enough to try or whose own habits and behaviours complemented his own. He hadn't tried very hard to find this person either, had been perfectly comfortable with the idea of being on his own for the rest of his life, because being on his own meant there was no one there to hurt him. And Spencer could. Spencer could destroy him in a way no other person in his entire life has ever had to capability to do. If he were to leave, Joel knows what would be left behind would barely be a man anymore, but he never worries about that. Spencer is the one person in the world who has the power to completely ruin him as a human being and he's also the one person in the entire world Joel knows he never has to worry about doing such a thing.

They're good for each other and not only because of that trust. Spencer has everything of Joel. He holds absolutely everything and Joel trusts him with it and that's so important, he knows it is, but it's more than that. It's not just the big things, the fact that Spencer knows him better than anyone ever has, it's the little things, too. It's that Spencer makes it easier for him to smile, which in turn makes it easier for him to be a little more accepting of others. It's that Spencer makes him want to try, which makes the store a project that he can really work on instead of just letting it go on as it has for years. Spencer makes him want to be a better man, which means he's kinder to others when he normally wouldn't have been. They're good for each other. They make each other better people.

"I don't know," Joel says honestly when Spencer asks. He thinks he'd also be happy either way, but both genders certainly bring their own types of issues. "With girls you have to worry about... so much. The way media and society tells them they're not good enough because their body isn't shaped this way or their eyes aren't shaped that way or their hair isn't this colour and that terrifies me. Bringing up a girl in a world that wants to tear her own." He pauses, frowning thoughtfully. "But with boys no one thinks they have to do that same work, but you do. You have to teach them that that sort of behaviour is wrong. That they have to be respectful and call other men out when they hear that sort of garbage."

He remembers how angry he had been with Bach when he had started in on Lara that first time. Bach had accused Joel of defending her because they're friends, but the truth is that it just disgusts him to hear any man talk about any woman as if she's an object. It would infuriate him to hear men in Watersong talking about women and referring to them as that ass, breaking her down to a body part and nothing more. If any son of his ever spoke about another human being like that, Joel is fairly certain he would be grounded for the rest of his life.

"People always say boys are easier, but I don't think that's true," he says honestly. "I think a lot of the problems in the way men treat women and therefore women are taught to treat other women stem from this idea that we need to protect our girls, but our boys can run wild. The expression boys will be boys disgusts me because it allows for boys to get away with abusive, misogynistic behaviour from the time they're children simply because we live in a world where they're expected to assert their dominance and that's a good thing, but when little girls do the same they're scolded for being brats." He pauses after a moment and smiles sheepishly at Spencer. "It's possible I have a lot of thoughts on child rearing when it comes to this."

[callmeemily]

Honestly that's all she wanted. Him saying he'd rest, saying he'd just take the time to take care of himself so she didn't have to worry as much. She worries about him getting sick, about him not taking care of himself - she doesn't exactly know the reason, it's probably because she took care of her brother a lot when she was growing up, and she's just... she's that person.

"I was kidding," she says with a shrug. "I mean, that just means that if I get sick, I get to blame you and you get to make me soup." She smiles, and for his sake - "Soup from a can's okay. Promise." He doesn't cook and she knows it, but she won't ever rag on him about it.

She moves to get another mug, to bring the kettle over and teabags, and she pours herself some tea too. He just stops when she says she's worried, and everything in her says to reassure him, to say it's all good, it's all fine and she just meant how hard it would be to open up this store, but... it's something she's been thinking about a lot, lately. About what makes people tick, about what she owes people, sort of. And she owes Spencer her honesty, because lying about this - it's.... not smart. It's not smart and it's her running away from it, and there's some things she definitely does not want to tell him, but there's a lot of things that he has every right to know.

He talks about tea, though, and she can't stop the way she smiles. "You have a fever, but I think tea helps with that, too, so drink up." She rubs the back of her neck with a hand, and then pauses for a second. "Can I ask you a favor?" It's quiet, that request - it's not even the favor itself, it's just-- she's so unused to asking for help, to actually just reaching out and making that request that it's difficult, even though she knows what comes next will be even more difficult.

[doublethepain]

Spencer's quiet for a long moment because all he can do is stare. It's not out of shock or discomfort or anything like that, it's simply... out of awe. He knows Joel's mother has played a huge hand, practically the entire hand, in teaching him how to treat the women in his life, and it absolutely shows. It's beyond admirable, Spencer thinks, and this rant--for lack of a better word--only serves to show how utterly balanced Joel really is. Spencer supports everything Joel's just said, everything, and eventually he finds it in himself to nod.

"They're good thoughts, baby, the best thoughts. Listen to me, you're an amazing husband. You're going to be an amazing father, and we're going to teach our child, whether it's a boy or a girl, how to love and how to cherish. How to be kind, how to be fair and respectful and how to reserve judgment when it's so easy to look at others and make all sorts of assumptions based solely on the way they look or the things they say or do. We're going to do these things together, and we're going to do them well because we know. We know pain. We know suffering. We know what it's like to be so lonely that it feels like we'll never be anything else. We know more all that more than anyone should ever have to but look where it's brought us."

His voice wavers along with his bottom lip and his hand trembles over his husband's, still on his chest. He can feel the beating of his heart grow a little faster with every word that spills from his lips, but he's not finished yet. This man, his husband, the love of his life, is the only one he'd ever even be able to say something like this to because it's too personal. It's private, this pain he carries with him every day isn't exactly what he likes to talk about with casual acquaintances. Sometimes it hurts less than other days, sometimes he barely remembers it's there, but there's always something to remind him. Even if it's one little thing--a turn of phrase or a glimpse in the backyard or spotting the titles of his mother's favorite books--there's always something there. Being with Joel has helped to quiet the voice in his head that tells him he should have been able to stop him, should have tried harder to find out what really happened, should have done all sorts of things that Spencer rationally knows are out of his control.

Joel doesn't make him think rationally, not really, not by a long shot because Spencer loves his husband so much that there are times when he simply blocks out the rest of the world, allows himself to forget it exists just for a little while. Right now is a good example, even with Huxley nestled against Joel's chest. Spencer can't take his eyes off Joel, not even for a second because that would mean acknowledging that this life isn't just about the two of them when right now, that's all he wants it to be.

"I wouldn't have felt fit to take care of someone else before I met you," he continues, squeezing tightly at the bridge of his nose. "We take care of each other now, and we-- We're always going to save each other. That's what we're going to do for our family. Protect each other, keep each other safe, even if it's just from all the-- the bullshit the world throws at us." His cheeks flush a bit at the use of the curse, and he feels a bit childish for the reaction--which is a bit silly considering the considerable frequency with which he's used the word fuck in the bedroom--but it is what it is.

"We're going to be good at this," Spencer says, nodding firmly as if the confidence behind the words alone is enough to make it true. But he so believes it to be true. "We're going to make our families proud and our child is going to make us proud. There's no other way it could be."

[doublethepain]

"No, no," he answers, waving a hand as if to brush the apology off. There's no need for one, it's hardly Lou's fault that he'd gotten caught up for a second in thoughts of Joel in the context of romance novels. It's actually very much Joel's fault, and Spencer makes a mental note to tell his husband that later. "If your cheeks are hurting because of too much smiling then I'm happy to hear it. I feel like that more often than not these days myself."

[louise_abasi]

"Hopefully for a better reason than to avoid the town's disappointment. I definitely hope you don't care about that anymore, or never did, even."

She was supposed to feel better because of some ordinary chitchat, not like the rude kid again. "I mean - I guess I'm just too trained to make sure that no-one is uncomfortable but unpleasant honesty. That you can't say 'fine' without a smell because else it might be a less than perfect fine and people have to worry about you while they don't want to, because else they wouldn't have asked the question in the first place."

"Never mind. Just expect me to tell you if I'm miserable, with or without a smile as a flag post."

[just_another]

"We are," Joel agrees and he knows there will be moments of doubt, moments when he finds himself sitting alone in their bedroom, his head in his hands, convinced he's done something awful, something horrible, sure he's made the worst possible mistake he can make as a parent. He knows it won't be true, not as long as he's kind and loving and not as long as he and Spencer talk about what they want to do together as parents, but he's still sure there will be moments of crushing insecurity. There will be times when he feels like a failure, when they both do, but even with those times, he's still sure they'll be really good parents. He knows he has a protective streak a mile wide and although it's never applied to many people -- only his sister, Cosette and Lara for a long time -- it now encompasses the family he's building. Even though they don't have a child yet, even though they're only talking about their options, he's already protective of this family they're going to build.

More than he's confident in his own abilities, though, he's confident in Spencer's. He knows it's only been a few months, but he's meant every single word he's ever said to Spencer about his kindness and his strength. Those are two incredibly important aspects in any parent, he thinks, and for Spencer to have them and in such abundance makes Joel certain he's going to be an amazing father. He has no doubts about their life together and to be so certain of something, to be so completely sure that they're going to make the right decisions and that Spencer will be there to guide him when he falters is a really good feeling. Joel's not sure he's ever felt so confident about anything.

"We are, we're going to be good at this," he says again. Then he smiles, rolling his eyes at himself a little. "Of course, when it comes down to the last few weeks and days before we have a child, you do realize we're both going to be convinced that we'll be terrible and we'll both be completely petrified by what's to come, right?" And in a strange way he's looking forward to that, too. He likes the idea of those last moments of panic, the same ones he's sure every new parent feels. He's looking forward to being the obnoxious person who can't do anything but talk about his new baby and he's looking forward to buying a crib and tiny socks and all the things he knows they'll need.

"So when I get to that point," he says slowly, leaning back against the bench again, "Remind me of this conversation. Remind me that I sat here and calmly agreed that we're going to be good at this. Maybe have a glass of whiskey ready for me at a moment's notice and promise not to drink it all yourself first." He's teasing now, but he still feels that burst of confidence that Spencer has instilled with him. As with every part of his life, being with Spencer simply makes him better, makes him happier and stronger and makes his life easier.

"You're going to make me proud," he says, because he realizes that's what he cares about the most. Of course he wants to raise their child well and he wants him or her to feel loved and to be happy, he wants his parents to be proud of them, but more than that, he wants Spencer to see him as a good father. "And I'm going to make you proud. That's... what what I want. I want you to be proud of me."

[doublethepain]

His smile fades but just slightly, it's more of a flicker in his expression than anything else before he straights his back and lifts his chin up a bit. "Don't you mean the town's cruelty?" he retorts, tone carefully neutral. Of course he'd cared, he doesn't know how he could possibly not have cared that he'd come home to find the word 'MURDERER' painted on his property more than once or that he'd received hate mail quite consistently for almost an entire year before it had started dwindling down or that there are still some people who look at him like he's a disease that has no cure.

It's easier to ignore it now just because he's had so much practice and also because there exist people in his life who give him significantly better things to think about. He's never been one to put much stock in other people's opinions of him, that much is true, but yes, he'd cared. He's cared quite a lot.

"I do understand what you're getting at," he tells her, nodding his head a bit. "Oftentimes, it's all that's expected of us, to tell each other that our days are going well and that we're doing just fine and that's that. So if you tell me you're miserable when I ask, I certainly won't hold it against you. I can promise you that much."

[louise_abasi]

She blinks. "Cruelty, you're right. All memories lost of how to act in a humane manner, fueled by the majority deciding they can pass better judgment than those in authority."

".. are you free of them, by now? Completely?" Louise knows that she and the system have failed Spencer impressively, and it's always hard to be confronted with such a thing. "If you even want to talk about it longer than necessary, of course. We can move back to your happiness with Joel and puppies."