[closed for joel]

[doublethepain]

Spencer can't stop bouncing his knee; or drumming his fingers on the tabletop; or checking his watch because it's 1:03 and the surrogate--Erin, her name's Erin Goodman, and it would do him well to remember that because he can't very well keep calling her 'the surrogate' to her face--is three minutes late to the Cove Cafe so far and it's not that Spencer is anal about punctuation, he's just so nervous that he thinks he might actually be sick.

When they'd gotten word that Erin had agreed to meet with them, Spencer had gone from feeling elated to full of dread in about thirty seconds flat because sometimes, it's still a bit hard to accept that good things are happening as consistently as they have been for him. He's not used to it, to being this happy, and it's why he's stunned nearly every day by the fact that this is his life now. He doesn't want that feeling to stop, mostly because it helps to remind him that he can't ever take any of this for granted, not that waking up with his husband by his side each morning isn't enough to ensure he never forgets. Now, in the face of meeting the potential bearer of their future child, Spencer finds himself terrified that she'll take one look at him and deem him unworthy of a gift as incredible as this.

He tries to remember the conversation they'd had, the one Joel had told Spencer to remind him of, and he knows he's jumping the gun a bit on the fear but he doesn't know how to stop letting himself belief that something's bound to go wrong. He takes a deep breath, picking up his coffee cup and setting it back down before pulling the plate of banana bread Amber had given them toward him then pushing it back away. He can feel Joel's eyes on him, but he only reaches over to squeeze his husband's hand.

"What if she changed her mind and the agency forgot to tell us?" he asks, not quite meeting Joel's gaze but not avoiding it either. "You checked your e-mail this afternoon, right? Before we left the store? What if-- Oh, god, what if she's been in a terrible accident? Or what if she was here and took one look at us through the window and thought we weren't going to be the right fit?" He shifts his body more fully toward Joel now, legs practically in the other man's lap as he looks at him with wide, panicked eyes. "It's 1:04, Joel, it's 1:04. One more minute and I think I might actually have a complete breakdown."

Comments

[just_another]

Somehow, he finds Spencer's nerves calming.

Joel knows he should be nervous. He knows his knee should be bouncing right alongside Spencer's, he knows he should be having a hard time breathing, he knows his chest should feel right, but he feels none of that. There's tension in the set of his shoulders and his heart rate is a little quicker than it usually is, but he can attribute those things more to excitement than nerves and he thinks it's because there's so much nervous tension pouring off Spencer that he can't help but be calm in the face of it. They're minutes from meeting the woman they might very well ask to carry a baby for them and all Joel can feel is an excitement and a deep sense of wonder when he thinks about it for very long.

"Spencer," he says softly, smiling over at him as he reaches over and lays his hand gently on his husband's bouncing knee. "It's okay. I checked my e-mail and I have my phone in my pocket, so if they'd sent us something, we would know. She lives outside of Siren Cove, she probably just got stuck in traffic." Four minutes late is barely late at all, especially to a man who used to use his posted hours as more of a guideline for when his store was open than anything. Sometimes it would be ten minutes early, sometimes it would be fifteen minutes late and while Joel doesn't think he's often running late for appointments or scheduled dates with Spencer, he also doesn't worry much when other people are late.

Of course, this is different. It's only the fact that Spencer is so worked up that's keeping him calm and he's not sure how or why that's happening, but he isn't going to question it right now.

"She's fine," he says. "And she hasn't taken one look at us and run off, I promise." He lifts his hand from Spencer's knee to cup his face, his thumb sweeping over his cheekbone. If anyone looks at them, he doesn't notice and doesn't care. Spencer is his priority right now, he always is. "She's-"

"So sorry she's late," a voice interrupts Joel and he glances up, surprised to see the woman from the photograph suddenly standing beside their table. He has no idea where she approached from or when she came into the cafe, but she's here now and suddenly Joel feels all his nerves catching up with him. He was calm when Spencer wasn't, but now that she's here, his throat has gone dry and all he manages to do is blink up at her.

"Traffic was terrible, I'm sorry," she says again, then points at the counter as she sets her bag down on the spare chair at their table. "I'm going to grab myself a tea, I'll be right back."

Joel doesn't know if she can tell they both need a minute, but he appreciates it all the same and when he looks back at Spencer, he's smiling shakily. "She's here."

[doublethepain]

Spencer blinks, stilling when Joel brings a hand to his cheek, and his husband's touch is as calming as it always is. He's still nervous, still feels like there are about a million butterflies fluttering about in his stomach, but the physical contact helps to remind him that he's not alone here. They're in this together, he and Joel, just like they'll always be in everything they do, and it really is placating to know that he'll never have to worry about where to find support again. Everything he needs exists right here in this man, in his husband, in the one person in the world who always seems to understand exactly what Spencer needs at any given time.

He nods, starting to lean in for a kiss when he hears her voice and freezes again. It takes him a moment to even be able to lift his head to look at her but when he does, Spencer's taken aback for a moment because she's even more radiant in person than she'd been in her photos. She's gone as quickly as she'd arrived, though, after she excuses herself to get a drink, and Spencer keeps his eyes on her until she reaches the counter to order before turning back to look at Joel.

"I'm so nervous," he admits, though Joel already knows that well enough, and one look at his husband tells Spencer that Joel is, too. "I just-- I know she's the first surrogate we're meeting with but what if she's the one and we just know? What are we supposed to say? 'Hey, give us a baby now'?" He feels so out of his comfort zone, and he thinks that's primarily the reason why his palms are a bit sweaty right now. He has no idea how to conduct a meeting with someone who might bear his future child, has no idea what he's supposed to say if she asks them why they want a baby or what sort of answer he thinks he ought to expect if they ask her what sort of communication she'd want to carry on after the baby is born, and he's biting down so hard on his lip that he thinks he might break through the skin.

She returns with her tea before he can actually voice any of these worries to Joel, and she offers them both a wide, friendly smile that make the corners of her eyes crinkle, which in turn somehow manages to make her blue eyes seem even bluer. She tucks a lose strand of her blonde hair behind her ear, looking from Spencer to Joel then back over the rim of her up as she takes a sip, and Spencer feel so foolish because his lips are parted like he's ready to say something but nothing comes out.

"So," she says, setting her cup down. "Maybe we should start with introductions. I'm Erin Goodman, and I'll be your friendly neighborhood potential surrogate today."

Spencer's throat feels raw enough that it hurts to force a laugh, and he stumbles over his words for a moment before shooting a helpless look to Joel. He's sure he'll get his footing back in a moment, once he's had a second to accept the fact that this is really happening, that they're one potential step closer to being parents; but until then, he's very much hoping that Joel will be able to save him from his own inability to form words.

[just_another]

Finding himself finally faced with her, Joel can only nod when Spencer asks if they just ask her to give them a baby and somewhere in his mind he registers that it's sort of funny, manages to wheeze out something resembling a laugh. She's actually stunning in person, but her smile is easy and when she returns to the table -- before Joel can actually answer Spencer -- she sits down with such a relaxed sort of grace that he can feel himself calming down as well. Which is a good thing, given the look Spencer shoots him, and he squeezes Spencer's knee once before he offers Erin his hand. She smiles again and shakes it before she offers her hand to Spencer as well.

"I'm Joel," he says. "Ba- uh, Waters-Baker. I'm still getting used to that." It's actually the first time he's stumbled over it since they got married, the only time and he can only attribute it to just how nervous he really is. Even though his palms are dry and his hands aren't shaking, he's very aware that the cafe suddenly seems extremely warm and that his cheeks are flushed.

She can tell they're nervous, he's sure of it, and he suddenly has a million questions about other couples she may have met with. Is everyone like this, he has to wonder, or is it just them? And then he thinks about the idea of other couples wanting her to be their surrogate and although they've only just met her, although they've just sat down together for the very first time, he feels something like a surge of jealousy. They asked to meet her because they liked her profile, no one else should be allowed to meet her until they've decided. And maybe it works that way, maybe she's already been taken out of rotation until this gets worked out one way or the other, but whatever the case, Joel knows it can't possibly do them any good for him to worrying about things like that.

"We're, um... we're sort of nervous," he says and Eric laughs, though the sound is kind.

"Oh, I can tell," she promises, leaning back in her chair. "To be honest, I'm a little nervous, too. This is the first time I've done this."

Somehow, that makes Joel feel a little better and he brightens slightly. "We read your profile and Spencer noticed right away that you're from Canada originally."

Erin nods and she says, "So are you. East coast, though, right? I can tell in the accent."

Joel has been away from home for such a long time that he doesn't even think about his voice anymore, about the ways in which he sounds clearly Canadian and, even more obvious, the east coast lilt to his voice. It's not nearly as pronounced as his father's, but definitely more than his sister's and he has to laugh, shrugging.

"New Brunswick," he tells her as she turns to look at Spencer.

"What about you?" she asks, smiling. "Are you from Canada, too, or do you just like us?"

[doublethepain]

Spencer imagines that he must look quite like a deer caught in headlights right now, and he's so utterly embarrassed about it that he's sure his cheeks couldn't possibly be any hotter right now. He tries to remember that this is just a meeting, there's not supposed to be any pressure it because it wouldn't be fair for any of them to walk into this expecting a particular outcome; but truth be told, in spite of the fact that they aren't exactly in a rush, Spencer knows he'll be disappointed if they decide that Erin wouldn't be the right fit for them. It's not as if meeting her is a waste of time even if this doesn't turn out for the best because it will mean that they'll at least have a better idea of what they're really looking for; but privately, he's been hoping since Joel had sent the request to meet that they'll get lucky on their first go.

He hesitates before reaching out to take Erin's hand, fully aware by the curious tilt of her head that she'd noticed. It's not something Spencer thinks about often, his dislike for shaking hands, for the idea of touching people who are strangers, and he's offended more than one person before with his quiet rejection of returning the gesture; but every time it's happened lately, it only serves to remind him of how entirely unopposed he'd been to letting Joel take his hand at the ball, letting Joel kiss him, touch him in ways nobody else would ever be allowed. He shifts so his knee grazes Joel's, and it helps.

He barely notices when Joel stumbles over his name, stepping in to helpfully add, "I'm Spencer. Same last name, we're married. Which you already knew, of course, I--" He wrinkles his nose, shaking his head before reaching for his coffee to take a sip. "I ought to just stop talking."

Erin lets out a surprised but good-natured laugh, waving off his foolishness with one hand. "Please, don't stop talking, I can't get to know you if you stop talking."

It's been all of a few minutes but Spencer likes her. He likes her and maybe it's a bit selfish of him, but it relaxes him to hear that Erin hasn't done this before. It puts them all on fairly equal footing, at least, and he glances at Joel to see if he can read anything in the expression on his husband's face but before he can determine anything, Erin is addressing him again.

"Oh, no, not from there. You're certainly not wrong, though, it turns out I'm quite fond of one in particular. I've actually lived in Siren Cove since I was a kid, my family moved up here from Kittery when I was about six." He smiles softly. "My accent isn't half as exciting."

[just_another]

"So you must really know the town well," Erin says. "I moved here with my husband about six years ago, but he was born here. We lived in Vancouver for a few years before a job opened up at one of the colleges here. He'd wanted to come back home for a long time, so it seemed like a good opportunity." She pauses and smiles, taking a sip of her tea. "I feel like I might be talking too much."

"No," Joel says, shaking his head. "It's good, we... I mean, we're supposed to get to know each other, right?" It's not the sort of thing he's usually very good at. All his life he's been an introvert, he's been quiet, he's kept to himself and although Lara and Cosette have known him fairly well, it's really only with Spencer's arrival in his life that he's been able to let himself open up a little more. He's made more friends in the past several months than he'd made in the eight years before and he knows it's only due to being so comfortable with Spencer that he's found himself able to be more comfortable with others. When people are kind to him now, he doesn't immediately suspect they have ulterior motives. He doesn't always flinch away when people attempt to hug him. He smiles more, he laughs easier and while he's still also prone to blushing, he tends to do it with a little less tension now, a little less anger directed at himself. Spencer has allowed him to be a better person, he's allowed him to forgive himself for his idiosyncrasies and it's made him a different man.

"You and your husband, you have two kids?" Joel asks, then laughs softly. "I don't know what seems too intrusive to ask. These are things that were on the profile, but it seems... it seems weird to know all this already."

Erin shakes her head and waves her hand again. "No, it's fine. I answered all the questions, so I know you know a lot about me already, but I'm happy to answer any other questions you have. We have two kids, yes. Two boys. They're five and three now, and my husband and I decided we were done after the last one, but..." She pauses, smiling a little. "I just really enjoyed being pregnant. My boys were both healthy, both easy pregnancies, so we started talking about this and now here I am."

"And your husband is comfortable with it?" Joel asks curiously. It's not something he ever has to worry about, given that he's married a man, but he imagines he might actually be uncomfortable with such a situation. It's probably extremely unfair of him, what Erin is doing is giving other people the family they can't otherwise have, but Joel knows he's selfish enough to actually be sort of jealous were he in Erin's husband's shoes.

"He is," she says with a nod. "We discussed it a lot beforehand and... if I can help give someone what I already have, I think that's an important thing."

[doublethepain]

Spencer is quiet, for the most part, while Joel asks the questions he can't think of right now, in spite of the fact that he'd been preparing a mental list for days before the meeting. He'd gotten a majority of the questions online--what relationship does she expect to have with them? does she want to have future contact with their family after the baby is born?--but they seem to be getting stuck in his throat every time he opens his mouth to ask one. Joel asks about her husband, and Erin seems confident that he's fine with all of this, but Spencer's read some of the concerns from husbands with wives who want to become surrogates. He knows it's important that her husband be involved in this, too, even if it's just from afar, because the last thing Spencer wants is for any child Erin may carry for them to have some sort of negative impact on her family. His heel taps lightly on the floor and he chews on his bottom lip as he tries to sort his thoughts, unsure of where to start first because it seems so odd to be asking such serious questions over coffee and tea.

He doesn't bother to ask if her husband takes any issue with the fact that she's meeting with a same-sex couple, he doubts she'd be here at all if that was the case; but he gives her an apologetic smile before finally attempting to ask what he knows has to be asked eventually anyway. "I--I know you said you and your husband are happy with two kids but... well, doesn't it frighten you at all? The thought of carrying a baby for nine months, only to have to give it up?" He straightens in his seat a bit, hands lifting up in a sort of surrender before he ends up wringing them as he quickly tries to explain himself. "I just mean-- Well, I--" He huffs an embarrassed laugh, shaking his head as his cheeks redden. "I just don't know how this works."

Her smile is gentle, understanding, and it puts him a bit more at ease to know that she doesn't seem to think he sounds like a complete fool. "I've thought about that a lot," she admits, "and if I'm completely honest, I had my reservations at first. Like I said, I want to be able to help someone start a family because I know how thankful I am for my own, but my husband and I talked a lot about what it might mean for us, for our boys, if I got pregnant for someone else."

She pauses, and Spencer can't help but tense, even though he knows that she wouldn't have decided that surrogacy was the right option for her if she thought she'd become too attached to the child. He blindly gropes under the table for Joel's hand, threading their fingers together and squeezing because he's more nervous than he wants to be as he waits for her to continue.

"The way I look at it, the way my husband and I are both looking at it, is that I'm basically acting as the guardian for any child I become pregnant with for the nine months I'm carrying. In the end, I'm going to be confident that the baby's going to a home with parents who love him or her, that the baby's going to be in the best hands because nobody goes through the motions of surrogacy without a sincere desire for a child. I already know that the baby isn't coming home with me, it's something I can accept because it's not like either of my boys are being taken from me against my will. If we do work together on this, we'll be working as a team. I wouldn't shut you out or refuse your involvement, we'd be in it together until the baby's born."

The answer doesn't alleviate all of Spencer's nerves, but it certainly endears him to her all the more because she seems so genuine, so ready and willing to help them start their family if they choose to move forward with her, and it's their first meeting but with every passing moment, Spencer is starting to feel like maybe their first choice is already their best choice. He glances at Joel with a small, crooked smile and imagines, as he has before, what it will be like to see his husband holding their tiny baby in his arms for the first time. He wants it so badly, to start this family he'd never imagined for himself, and he remembers how awestruck Joel had looked when he'd talked about all the things they'll get to see their child do one day up in the attic.

Then Erin's speaking again, asking a question, and Spencer shifts his gaze back at her as he refocuses his thoughts on the matter at hand. "Do you mind if I ask how long you've been wanting to have children?"

Spencer knows there's no right or wrong answer here but he still sounds sheepish when his shoulders slump just slightly and he says, "To be completely honest with you, only a couple months." That's about how long it's been since they'd been in the hot tub on the cruise, since Joel had proposed and they'd decided to start a new chapter of their lives together, and he smiles fondly at the memory of it. "It's never something I pictured for myself before I met Joel, you see. But after we fell in love..." He trails off for a moment, looking back to his husband for a moment, his chest swelling with emotion at the thought of just how much Joel has changed his life. "I started to see things differently. We want to start a family, we want to give our child the best life we possibly can, and we're ready." He's tempted to lean in for a kiss, but he squeezes Joel's hand again instead as he glances back at Erin and nods. "We're ready."

[just_another]

Joel watches Spencer as he speaks, holding his hand tightly, a smile curving his lips and he knows there are people who have been wanting a family for much longer than they have, couples who have been trying for years to have a baby of their own and he thinks they might be lucky in that way. At least they'd known right from the start that they would have find some kind of outside help if they wanted to start a family. There's no pain of trying and failing, no stress of fertility doctors and clinics and drugs, no waiting year after year and facing disappointment after disappointment. Joel isn't sure he'd be able to handle something like that and although this isn't something they've been talking about for long, he knows they're lucky they were able to skip over all the pain others face before considering finding a surrogate.

"We were both..." He trails off, not entirely sure if these are things he wants to be telling anyone, but they need to be able to trust her if she's going to be their surrogate. Joel likes her already, he likes her very much, he feels very positive about this and if he wants it to go forward, then they're both going to have to be honest. "We were both fairly certain we'd spend our lives alone. I thought... I thought I was comfortable with that. I'd had... someone I loved very much died when I was young and after that..." He trails off again and shrugs, looking from Spencer to Erin and then down at the coffee he's barely touched. "Well, I thought being alone would be better. I didn't realize how much I didn't want to be alone because I'd convinced myself it was okay. That I was happy."

He glances up again and shrugs. "It feels a little bit like making up for lost time."

There are days when he wishes he would have gone into the library years ago, but he wonders if it would have changed anything. Maybe he and Spencer would have slowly become friends, but Joel thinks at twenty-one or even twenty-five he wouldn't have been ready for something like this. He still would have been too scared. There had been several days after the lighthouse when he'd been terrified, but the need to be with Spencer had been stronger, something he's extremely grateful for now because he can't imagine how he'd be if he was still on his own. The guilt of having hurt Spencer weighing down on him every single day.

"Hey, I knew I wanted kids before my husband and I even got married and it took me nearly three years to convince him we were ready," she says with a laugh, waving her hand. "If you're both on the same page, then that's great."

Joel's relieved by her reaction, because there had been a part of him that had been convinced she would hear that they've only wanted this for a few months and would assume they weren't really dedicated to it. That maybe they were making a snap decision and he can see how others might think that, but he doesn't feel that way at all. This decision, like every single one he's made when it comes to Spencer, feels exactly right. It feels like coming home.

"I read your profile," she says. "And it mentioned you own a business, right?"

Joel nods. "A bookstore. My father owned it for a few years before he and my mother moved out of town, so I took over it at that point. I've been running it on my own since then, since I was twenty-two and it's..." He grins sheepishly, glancing over at Spencer. "It did well enough to keep me eating and to pay my rent, but it's flourishing a little more now that Spencer's helping me with it. My sister lives above it in the apartment I used to live in before I moved into Spencer's house."

It's still a little strange for Joel to not have to worry about money like he used to. He still keeps a tight budget when it comes to the store and his bookkeeping is meticulous, but it's nice not to have to worry so much about his profit margin because he no longer has to make a ridiculous sum on rent. There are still bills, still expenses he has to consider, but there's significantly more breathing room now thanks to Spencer.

[doublethepain]

"Ah, so you work together," she says, and Spencer doesn't miss the way the corners of her lips twitch before she tilts her head at him. "I thought I'd read you were a librarian."

"I was," he says, nodding, and it's strange that she knows all this even though they've already gotten to know so much about her just through the information and records the agency had sent. He supposed he shouldn't be surprised that Erin had done her own homework, considering she'd hardly want to give birth to a child for just anyone, but it makes him wonder just how much she knows about him, his past. He's not sure if the subject of his family should come up, if only to reassure her that he's very much not a murderer, and he wets his lips as he shoots a quick glance at Joel before continuing. "After we got married, we thought it would be good for both of us and for the shop if I left the library to come work there. I was a librarian for twelve years, I got to know how to run the place, my boss left me in charge quite often..." He smiles softly. "I think my new boss would agree that things are working out quite nicely."

He doesn't think the reason Crossroads is flourishing is due directly to him, Joel had just needed that little push to keep his doors open and welcoming, to keep the window displays up-to-date and uncovered by the curtains, to actually keep to the store hours for consistency as opposed to treating them as mere guidelines. These are all things Joel could have done on his own, Spencer hasn't done anything particularly special--at least, he doesn't think so--but he's glad to see that all of the minor changes they've made are working. The store gets more foot traffic, more inquiries and calls and requests, and Spencer's even arranged for an advertisement to be run in the paper for when Caden Carter does his signing.

"Well, good for you two because as much as I love my husband, I don't know that I could live and work with him every day," Erin laughs, shaking her head with a wide smile as she lifts her cup of tea to her lips.

"I enjoy it," Spencer answers, and he doesn't need to look to Joel for confirmation that his husband likes it, too. They're not going to agree on every aspect of how to run the store but for the most part, they tend to me on the same page and that's proven to be immensely helpful. "I know it sounds a bit cheesy but every decision we've made together has turned out to be the best decisions of my life." He looks down at his ring, humming in mild amusement to himself. "This one, the decision to have a baby, it's... Well, like Joel said, we weren't prepared to find each other. We've both suffered terrible loss, and I'd become very accustomed to believing that good things weren't meant to happen to me."

He can tell by the way she's actively trying to keep from flinching, to keep her expression neutral, that she knows. Whether she'd done further research on her own or had read about it in the papers when it had happened, Erin knows what had happened to his family. Still, she keeps her gaze steady and that, combined with a squeeze from Joel's hand, gives him the strength to carry on.

"I-- I'd just truly like to believe that we'll be good fathers," he says with a sheepish laugh, another flush rising to his cheeks. "Having seen what we've seen, having been through what we've been through, some people might think we're just damaged but I think it makes us more aware. We'll only ever want to give any child we have the best, to give him or her a life as free of pain and worry as possible, to share as much love for our baby as we do for each other."

His knee is bouncing again, and Spencer knows it's because he's rambling but there's an ache in his chest because he's realizing all over again how badly he wants this. He wants the first things he sees every morning to be his husband and their child, and he takes a deep breath to call himself before giving Erin a small smile, one that she seems to have no problem returning, and he finds himself feeling so grateful for the understanding in her eyes.

"Not many people can go through something terrible and come out the other side the way you two seem to have," she says, voice gentle, and she nods at their interlocked hands. "Obviously I don't know either of you very well but if you decide it's right, I'd be happy to change that."

[just_another]

Talking about his past has always been hard for Spencer, Joel knows that, and although he doesn't say the words, he doesn't tell Erin exactly what happened, it seems to come with much more ease than Joel has seen before. He smiles faintly, looking over at Spencer and squeezing his hand in return and although they haven't exactly talked about it, he has to imagine the story of his family has been on his mind lately. If Erin's husband has grown up in Siren Cove, if she's been here for more than just a few years, she has to know. She has to know everything that happened, the entire story, and Joel's been wondering about that, too. She'd seen their names, agreed to meet them, but there's a part of him that's been wondering if she would really be willing to do this for them if she knew everything. If she knew Spencer's history, if she knew Joel's. He's responsible for someone's death, no matter how often Spencer tells him he isn't, and he hates the idea that Erin might decide they don't deserve a baby based on the things that have happened to them.

But then Erin says she'd like that to change, she'd like to know them better, and Joel's smile grow, glancing between her and Spencer and then back again. They have to talk, he knows they do, but it sounds very much like she's saying she's willing to do this for them. She's willing to be their surrogate and Joel is sure Spencer feels the same way he does. He likes Erin very much. He likes that she looks a little bit like Spencer, that no matter what happens, their baby will look at least a little bit like one of them. He likes that she loves to read, her smile, the ease with which she's sitting with them even though she's said she's nervous as well. Maybe it's silly, maybe it's jumping the gun because she's the first woman they've met, but Joel has a very good feeling about Erin and he looks over at Spencer, his expression hopeful.

"I think... I mean, I can't speak for us both, we'd have to talk, I'm sure, but..." But maybe they don't have to talk. He and Spencer have been on the same page with nearly every major decision they've made and even though Joel knows he didn't exactly react all that well when Spencer had initially come to him with the idea of buying the store, it had been the right decision. Spencer had been right from the start and Joel thinks, despite his tendency to get his back up without real reason, he'd come around to it pretty easily. They understand each other, they have similar ideas, they just work, and when Joel glances over at Spencer, he thinks maybe they don't have to talk.

"But I think... I think it's probably pretty safe to say we're both... we're interested," he says, although he's still looking at Spencer as he speaks. He's looking for the confirmation he's pretty certain he already sees in Spencer's eyes and he squeezes his husband's hand again. "I know... I mean, we haven't met with anyone else, we haven't even asked to meet anyone else, but I don't think... we're not rushing into anything." He's left so many sentences unfinished just now, had so many thoughts he can't quite complete, but it's the fact that this situation is overwhelming. He's excited and he's scared and there's so much he wants to do and say, but at the same time he doesn't want to jump ahead. He wants Spencer right here with him when he makes any decisions.

"I know what you mean," Erin says with a smile down at her drink. "You go into something like this from either side and you expect it to take time. You expect to have to meet with a lot of people until something works out and it seems like it should be much more clinical, doesn't it? That you should be making decisions based on merits, on pros and cons, but now that we're here and I've met you, it just feels right." Her smile grows and she laughs a little. "At least on my end."

"Mine, too," Joel says honestly, looking between Erin and Spencer again. "It feels right." And he agrees with what she's said. He'd expected it to be more than this, more than just a feeling. Going over the profiles, he'd considered all sorts of things; location, education, physical health, but now that they're here, he just feels right about her and that seems to be the important thing.

[doublethepain]

Erin's certainly right when she says there's an expectation that something like this would take time. Spencer hadn't imagined--hoped, yes, but hadn't allowed himself to actually believe--that the first woman they'd meet with would end up being the perfect match. He'd expected it to be more like a practice run, an indication of what meetings with other women should be like in the future, but Erin has been so kind and understanding in the time they've been talking that Spencer already feels at ease with her.

She's already helped to make him feel like he isn't going about this the entirely wrong way, like he isn't foolish for wanting to start a family after being in a relationship for just a few months, and he knows that not everyone would be like that. He and Joel could easily have been meeting with someone who'd turn her nose up at them, who'd want to help a couple more deserving--whatever that may mean to any given person. They could have met with someone who'd realize with disdain that this is the Spencer who might have killed his family, the Spencer and Joel who'd been in the papers recently for being the victims of an attack.

Erin knows, Spencer is sure of it, but she had to have known even before she'd gotten to the cafe. She's the type of person who'd have her homework done already, Spencer can sense that about her and it's more than just knowing she's a professor. She'd studied their profiles, that much is evident, and Spencer might feel scrutinized if he wasn't already so grateful that it's obvious how much Erin genuinely cares. She wouldn't have met with them at all if she hadn't thought there was something worthwhile here.

He realizes after a beat of silence that both Joel and Erin are looking at him, both with the corners up their lips turned up in amusement, and he flushes as he processes far too late how the conversation has been going. He nods eagerly, meeting Joel's eyes, not bothering to hold back his wide, excited grin. He can hardly believe this is happening, half wants to pinch himself to make sure it isn't a dream.

"It does, it feels right," he echoes, a little more than relieved that Joel has been able to put words to it because Spencer isn't sure that he'd have known how. It's overwhelming, the warmth that spreads in his chest right now at the knowledge that this time next year, they could very well be carrying their first child in their arms. He lets out a short laugh, scrubbing his free hand over his face. He loves that Joel can take one look at him and know exactly what he's thinking, what he's feeling, and it's what always reinforces the fact that their connection is unyielding. They don't need to rush into this, and Spencer doesn't think they are; they're just traveling the path they're meant to be on, he's sure of it.

"It's a lot to take in," he admits, huffing another laugh. He looks to Joel again, smile growing softer. He loves this man so much, more than anything, and to be at this table with both his husband and the woman who is willing to help them start their family threatens to make his heart beat right out of his chest. "It's a lot but Erin, if you're all in, then so are we."

[just_another]

Joel can't help the smile that all but bursts across his face and he can't stop himself from leaning in and pressing a quick, hard kiss against Spencer's temple. Every now and then his life still surprises him so much that he feels something in his chest seize and this is one of those moments. He'd never even known he would want this, that being a parent was something he would be good at, something he would want so desperately that having all three of them agreeing at this table would fill him with such joy. He'd had no idea, but now that they're here, now that this is something that's really going to happen, he doesn't understand how he couldn't have known.

"So are we," Joel agrees, dropping his hand to Spencer's knee and giving it a squeeze. His hand is trembling and he's sure Spencer can feel that, but he's overwhelmed with just how excited he is. He knows this is only the first step, that they have many, many things yet to do. There will be medical appointments, uncomfortable moments in locked rooms when he and Spencer are going to have to find a way to make their donation to the process, but following that he knows how happy they'll both be. The moment they're told she's pregnant, the day the baby is born, he can imagine it all. It's still so far away, but a part of Joel feels like he's already there.

"The agency will take care of the preliminary appointments," Erin says and Joel nods, because he'd done a lot of reading in preparation and he knows what the next steps will be. Bit by bit, the agency will back out, leaving them with more and more control. They'll have to pay their fee, but within a month it should just be the three of them working together.

"They'll only be involved for about a month, won't they?" Joel asks, then flushes faintly. "I did a lot of research before we decided to go forward with this and I... it's why I picked this agency. They try to hand over control to the couple and the surrogate." While acting as a legal go-between if something were to happen, but Joel sincerely doubts they'll have any issues there. Still, he knows over the next few weeks it won't just be doctors involved, but lawyers and contracts, too.

"They do," Erin agrees. "It's part of what drew me to them as well. I know there has to be a contracts and legalities that need to be taken care of, but I like the idea of it just being the three of us."

"So do I," Joel says, looking over at Spencer with a bright smile. "I really do."

[doublethepain]

Spencer lets out a pleased laugh when Joel kisses him, though he's still a bit too stunned to offer a more proper reaction. He isn't even sure how his husband can manage to discuss things like agency involvement and appointments and details that Spencer has already heard from Joel and read up on himself because it's starting to really sink in now. They're going to have a baby. This woman, this incredibly gracious and beautiful and kind woman, is going to help them start a family, and Spencer feels his heart constrict in his chest as he takes in a shaky breath and reaches for his coffee with a hand that trembles with nerves and excitement.

They've been talking about surrogacy for under a month, about costs and time management and the level of involvement they might want for the surrogate after the baby's born but now, here they are. Spencer half-expects someone to pop over from another table and announce that they're on some kind of cruel hidden camera show because he can hardly believe it's possible for so many wonderful things to keep happening to him. His life has never been this good before, he's never had so much fall into place at once. He's in love with someone who loves him back, he's married, he's a homeowner and a shopowner, and he's going to be a father--these are all things he never would have foreseen for himself a few months ago.

The expression on his face doesn't betray him, he's smiling widely and his eyes are shining because he is happy, beyond happy, he'd never known he was even capable of being this happy. Joel turns to him then with a grin of his own, and Spencer is sure that his heart really does skip a beat or melt at the sight of it or any one of those many cliches that don't really do much justice to the way Joel makes him feel. Spencer is willing to do just about anything to keep that smile on his husband's face, it changes Joel's demeanor entirely. His eyes crinkle at the corners and his eyes get a little bigger; something about grinning like this seems to make Joel sit up straighter, makes him look so full of positive energy, and Spencer loves seeing him like this. He loves knowing that the reason for it is that their life together is going according to plan.

"I should maybe tell you now that I absolutely loathe pineapple on pizza and also pickles, but I'll be happy to pick either one of those things up for you if you suddenly get the urge," he blurts, and it's nothing to do with anything, but it's a way for him to tell Erin just how grateful he is without resorting to saying thank you every two seconds for the rest of his life. He doesn't know how it's possible to properly thank someone for a gift like this, after all, but he knows that he'll be happy to try. "And--and depending on what your thoughts on involvement after the birth are, I think we'd both be very grateful for any tips beyond what I'm sure we'll read in What to Expect When You're Expecting or What to Expect the First Year."

[just_another]

Joel knows the two of them are going to spend the next nine months reading every book they can get their hands on, every single book they can possibly find and he also knows everything they read will offer differing opinions on every single topic under the sun. He knows they're probably going to spend more than a few confused evenings trying to sort out what they're reading from what they really feel, they're going to have to spend a lot of time trying to establish where they lie on certain issues and even then he knows things will come up that completely surprise them. There's no possible way for them to be completely prepared for what's ahead, but he knows they'll both try. Neither of them will be able to go into this unprepared, without having done research, that's just the type of people they are. He's grateful for it, too. He thinks another person might find it annoying how much Joel needs to know about something before he tries it, before he dives headlong into any situation, but Spencer understands. Spencer always understands.

"I'm sure we'll have plenty of questions," he agrees with a soft breath of laughter and it suddenly feels like the entire day is catching up with him. For a moment, all he can do is sit there at the table, his hand still on Spencer's knee, and stare at the drink he's barely touched. They're actually going to do this. They're going to create a baby with this woman who's selfless enough to want to share this gift with them. One of them is going to be the biological father of this baby and Joel realizes it doesn't matter to him in the slightest who it is. Whatever happens, he's going to be so happy that they have a baby, he's going to be so overjoyed, so overwhelmed with love that none of that will matter.

It seems like the sort of thing that's so far in the future, something that's still out of reach, but he knows once they start this process, the time will pass by so quickly that the baby will be coming before they know it. They'll never feel ready, they'll forget things, they'll panic when Erin goes into labour. It will all happen so fast that they won't know how the time has passed and yet right in this moment, Joel feels like it can't possibly happen fast enough. This is his future beginning to spool out in front of him and he wants it now. He wants to be selfish and impatient and he wants it all right now.

"I'll be happy to answer them," Erin answers, smiling at them both and there's something fond in her expression, something Joel isn't used to seeing from that many people. "We can talk about all those details later, right now I think we should just be celebrating that you two are about to embark on one of the most rewarding chapters of your lives together."

Joel's mouth twitches into a smile and he can feel himself growing emotional, his eyes threatening to well with tears. All he manages it a nod, looking down at his coffee again, the drink long since gone cold, and his hand tightens on Spencer's knee once more.