There's still a part of Joel that thinks he must be dreaming, but he inches forward a little on the bed, moving toward the woman -- Spencer, he reminds himself, he has to start thinking of her as Spencer -- so he can study her a little better. And that, too, causes some confusion, because this body is clearly that of a woman and Joel automatically thinks of this body as a her, but it's still Spencer inside, still someone who identifies as male and it's so much to deal with at once, but he has to make that effort, too. To think of Spencer as him because that's still who he is.
And when Spencer asks what he's supposed to do, there's something so familiar in the voice, in the cadence of his words that Joel finds any doubt he had left draining away. Not that there was really any left to begin with, not after seeing Spencer's aura. It's just such an unbelievable situation and yet his expression softens and he shakes his head, because he doesn't know. Truly, he has no idea what they're supposed to do in the face of something like this.
There's a strange twisting in his stomach. He wants to reach out, to gather Spencer against him, to tell him they'll figure something out and everything will be okay, but he feels guilty at the very thought. This isn't Spencer's body. Or it is, but it isn't the one Joel is familiar with and he isn't sure what to do with that. He isn't sure what's appropriate and what isn't, what he's allowed to do and what might be wrong. A little part of him feels like it would have to be considered cheating on his husband to collect him in his arms like this and he knows that thought is absurd. This is Spencer in front of him. That should be the only thing that matters.
"Spencer," he says gently, then reaches out cautiously, his hand still shaking, and touches his husband's shoulder. Even that feels different, the smoother, softer curve under his fingers, and he doesn't know what to think. What he needs to do is concentrate on Spencer, on what he needs right now, on the fake that he's clearly upset. Joel needs to comfort his husband.
"It's okay," he says, his hand sliding up from Spencer's shoulder to the side of his neck and then carefully into his hair. Everything feels different. Every last little touch. "We'll figure it out, it'll be okay."
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Date: 2015-01-15 03:36 pm (UTC)And when Spencer asks what he's supposed to do, there's something so familiar in the voice, in the cadence of his words that Joel finds any doubt he had left draining away. Not that there was really any left to begin with, not after seeing Spencer's aura. It's just such an unbelievable situation and yet his expression softens and he shakes his head, because he doesn't know. Truly, he has no idea what they're supposed to do in the face of something like this.
There's a strange twisting in his stomach. He wants to reach out, to gather Spencer against him, to tell him they'll figure something out and everything will be okay, but he feels guilty at the very thought. This isn't Spencer's body. Or it is, but it isn't the one Joel is familiar with and he isn't sure what to do with that. He isn't sure what's appropriate and what isn't, what he's allowed to do and what might be wrong. A little part of him feels like it would have to be considered cheating on his husband to collect him in his arms like this and he knows that thought is absurd. This is Spencer in front of him. That should be the only thing that matters.
"Spencer," he says gently, then reaches out cautiously, his hand still shaking, and touches his husband's shoulder. Even that feels different, the smoother, softer curve under his fingers, and he doesn't know what to think. What he needs to do is concentrate on Spencer, on what he needs right now, on the fake that he's clearly upset. Joel needs to comfort his husband.
"It's okay," he says, his hand sliding up from Spencer's shoulder to the side of his neck and then carefully into his hair. Everything feels different. Every last little touch. "We'll figure it out, it'll be okay."