Don't look at his breasts. It seems like it should be simple enough, but Joel can barely manage to keep his gaze above Spencer's shoulders. It's silly, it's not as though he's never seen breasts before, but it's been a very long time and they've never belonged to his husband before. And yet at the same time he feels extremely awkward about treating Spencer the same way he normally would. On any given day, no matter what was worrying Spencer, Joel would pull his husband against his body, wrap his arms around him and promise him that everything would be just fine. But he can't do that now. He can't, because if he does, he's just going to feel Spencer's breasts pressed against him and he's not prepared for that. Not if he can't even look at them.
It's more than just the fact that they're breasts, that his husband's body is suddenly unfamiliar, it's that it feels a little wrong. Like he's doing something he shouldn't be. He knows this is Spencer, his aura more than proves it, but at the same time it's a different body. It's not the one he's grown used to, it's not the body he expected to wake up to every day for the rest of his life. It feels like he's doing something wrong, like Spencer will go back to being himself and will then he angry with Joel for touching a different body. That's probably stupid, he doesn't think Spencer would really be angry with him, but he can't help the thoughts.
"I know it's you," he says and he hesitates for a second -- Don't look at his breasts! -- before lifting his hand and brushing his fingers along Spencer's cheek. And while it's different, there's still a similarity there in the sharp edge of his cheekbone, the square angle of his jaw. Feminine, certainly, and not Spencer the way he knows him, but still familiar.
"The way you speak," he continues a second later. "Your aura, of course, and the tattoo." The tattoo he couldn't bring himself to look at it because it would have meant looking at an unfamiliar body, an act that still feels wrong somehow. "But the way you speak. It's just clearly you."
His thumb sweeps over Spencer's cheek again and his fingers push very gently into his hair and he's surprised by how similar that feels. Longer, certainly, but the texture is the same. The way the curls slide over his fingers is all Spencer and Joel smiles then, just a little. "It is... it is okay that I'm touching you?" He wants to comfort him, but he isn't sure how.
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It's more than just the fact that they're breasts, that his husband's body is suddenly unfamiliar, it's that it feels a little wrong. Like he's doing something he shouldn't be. He knows this is Spencer, his aura more than proves it, but at the same time it's a different body. It's not the one he's grown used to, it's not the body he expected to wake up to every day for the rest of his life. It feels like he's doing something wrong, like Spencer will go back to being himself and will then he angry with Joel for touching a different body. That's probably stupid, he doesn't think Spencer would really be angry with him, but he can't help the thoughts.
"I know it's you," he says and he hesitates for a second -- Don't look at his breasts! -- before lifting his hand and brushing his fingers along Spencer's cheek. And while it's different, there's still a similarity there in the sharp edge of his cheekbone, the square angle of his jaw. Feminine, certainly, and not Spencer the way he knows him, but still familiar.
"The way you speak," he continues a second later. "Your aura, of course, and the tattoo." The tattoo he couldn't bring himself to look at it because it would have meant looking at an unfamiliar body, an act that still feels wrong somehow. "But the way you speak. It's just clearly you."
His thumb sweeps over Spencer's cheek again and his fingers push very gently into his hair and he's surprised by how similar that feels. Longer, certainly, but the texture is the same. The way the curls slide over his fingers is all Spencer and Joel smiles then, just a little. "It is... it is okay that I'm touching you?" He wants to comfort him, but he isn't sure how.