happiness is a warm puppy [open to all]

[doublethepain]

He's definitely come down with something.

It's hardly cause for panic, really, just a bit of congestion; some coughing that he thinks he's done a fair job of keeping under wraps; maybe a slightly sore throat, a few pressure headaches here and there, a case of the chills; but he's fine, Spencer is sure of it. He's fine because he's got a ring on his finger and a puppy at the end of his leash, so there's nothing at all in his life that he can complain about right now.

John had most generously given him half a day off--"a wedding gift from me to you" is how his boss had put it--so Spencer had stopped back at home to get Huxley before heading in some direction or another, he hadn't really had a plan. It's not very surprising that his feet seem to take him in the direction of Crossroads, as they so often do, but a part of him hopes that he'll run into some people he knows on the way there. He has news, after all, and he's not one to call up all his friends--not that it would take long, he muses--to share even the most exciting parts of his life, but he does want people to know.

He's happy, happier than he's ever been and not just since his mother and Dane had died. He has so much to be thankful for, so much to come to look forward to, and he can't remember the last time he'd felt so optimistic about his future. He smiles to himself as he watches Huxley sniff at the grass on the sidewalk before the puppy scrambles to meet a pair of feet that's headed their way, jumping up on his hind legs to paw at the stranger. Spencer's smile doesn't fade as he lifts his head to look at the other person; in fact, it only grows wider.

"You're in for it now," he says, a teasing edge to his tone. "Huxley seems to grow attached to people far too quickly for his own good."




[OOC: Spencer's a little under the weather right now because I am, too but he's in an excellent mood so it would be a great time to say hello, whether your character has already met him or not :) Find him walking his and Joel's new puppy Huxley or catch him wherever is convenient for your character to be. As long as that place allows dogs.]

Comments

[just_another]

As Spencer speaks, Joel just leans against him, his eyes closed, enjoying the feeling of his hand in his hair and he smiles. He admits he has no idea what he's doing, but Joel is sure Spencer knows the same is true of him, that they'll both be in the exact same terrified little boat whenever they have a child. He knows they'll both be nervous and probably overprotective, most likely to the point of irritation as their child gets older, but Joel knows he'd much rather have a son or daughter who was occasionally annoyed with their excessive behaviour than have something happen to someone he loves that much. Because he does already. It's just the idea of a family, he knows that, but when he imagines what Spencer is saying, something happens inside him, a constricting in his chest that he's come to recognize as the kind of love that doesn't just happen all the time. It's different and it's special and they're not only going to have it with each other, they're going to feel it with their family, too.

He's glad his eyes are closed, though, because he's not sure he'd be able to listen to what Spencer is picturing without tearing up. It takes him several moments before he thinks he's safe to open his eyes again and when he does he sits up on the bench a little straighter, lifting one hand to Spencer's face as he turns toward him. If he ends up getting sick after all this, it will be more than worth it, because there's not possible way he can listen to this plan, this idea for their future, and not kiss his husband. His thumb sweeps over Spencer's cheek as he leans in for a long, slow kiss, enjoying it for everything its worth despite the fact that they're sitting right in front of his store. People are going to have to get used to this if they want to shop at Crossroads, he decides, because he imagines he's going to spend an awfully large part of his day stealing kisses from Spencer whenever he can.

"Neither did I," he says when he finally pulls back. "And I never thought I would want it either. I thought being alone was better. It was safer, certainly, because it hurt less, but I had no idea what it could feel like to not be alone." But it wouldn't feel this way with just anyone, he knows that. This feeling, everything they have, it's unique to them. Joel would never find this with another person, just like another person would never find it with him.

"That... I can't even tell you how much I want that now," he continues. "What you described. Holding a baby for the first time. Seeing your face when you see and hold him or her." Because as much as Joel loves the idea of having their baby in his arms, he can't stop imagining how happy Spencer would look, the way he would light up, the ease and incredulity of his smile. One day he's going to get a chance to see what and experience it and he finds he can't wait. "So... the way you're talking, a surrogate seems like it might be the best idea for us."

[doublethepain]

The kiss catches him off-guard at first but it's barely half a second before he's melting into it, there's no other reaction possible when it comes to Joel's lips on his; but then Joel's talking about how he'd once thought being alone was better, and Spencer finds himself nodding along as his husband continues because he understands exactly what that had felt like. It's one of the reasons why he'd known from the beginning that this relationship would be like no other, how easily he'd fallen into the habit of relying on Joel to make his day better. Sometimes he still can't believe it had taken them longer than that first night in the library to figure this out, to realize how right they are for each other, but they'd both been such different men then. It had only been a few months ago but Spencer feels like years have past, if only because Joel has transformed him into the sort of person who understands how to love another so completely, so unconditionally--he'd have never thought that would be something he could do.

"One hundred and ten days now," he says, a smile playing at his lips, and what that means is that they've been married for eight days. Eight incredible days that are going to stretch into a lifetime of happiness and contentment with this man, with this one man, and Spencer knows the odds of finding a connection like this with someone aren't likely in a world holding billions of people but somehow, they'd found it. They'd found each other, and he doesn't know who or what he's supposed to thank for that but he'll do it with every last bit of himself because Joel has given Spencer his life back.

"I'd be fine with either option but..." He shrugs, eyes drifting down to Huxley as his mind produces an image of their baby sleeping soundly in Joel's arms. "I do think I'm leaning more toward the idea of surrogacy. But we can discuss it more if you're not sure, it's not as if we need to make a decision right away. Although, you have full permission to smack me if nine months from now, one of us is talking about how badly we wish we had a baby already."

He laughs just as he glances up and who he sees across the street makes him tense. It's Eli Jasper, and he hasn't spotted them yet but Spencer's chest seizes with a panicked dread. He knows Joel had put Eli in his place but Eli's never been very good about learning the lesson it and retaining it. He doesn't want to say anything, not only because his throat has gone dry--and he hates that Eli can still do this to him eleven years out of high school, though it's more than that now because now this involves his huband--but he suspects that the second Spencer's body had stiffened, Joel had been very well aware of it.

Eli turns then and instead of sneering like Spencer had expected, the bully's eyes widen so large that it would have been comical under other circumstances. Spencer narrows his eyes, practically holding his breath because he's wondering if the other shoe's about to drop, but Eli dodges one direction then the other before spinning in a full circle and heading very decidedly away from them.

"Well. Alright then." Spencer looks to Joel with a carefully neutral expression, though there's a hint of satisfaction in his eyes. "It appears you were very effective."

[just_another]

They might not have to make a decision right now, but Joel thinks he'll likely begin to do some research tonight just to learn a little more about their options. For weeks it had felt like he and Spencer were moving at a glacial pace, cautiously touching each other, making attempts at expressing how they felt, little gestures that neither could entirely own up to as being part of the bigger picture and then suddenly everything had come together in a rush. That night he'd gone to Spencer's, the first night they'd slept in Spencer's bed together. They'd jumped straight from first date to spending the night and being unable to sleep apart so quickly that sometimes Joel wonders if he shouldn't be reeling from the speed of it. But he isn't. They'd both needed time to come to terms with what they wanted, but when they did, when they realized what they could have only to come so close to having it taken away, they'd both come to the conclusion that waiting seems pointless. Joel doesn't know where he'll be a year from now or five years from now or fifty years from now, but he knows who he'll be with. He knows it as sure as he's ever known anything and for that reason alone he sees no point in putting off at least doing some research.

He's about to say as much when Spencer tenses beside him and his gaze snaps up, spotting Eli Jasper across the street. It's incredible how quickly the rage rises up in him and Joel's fingers twitch minutely against the bench as his eyes narrow. It's not enough to do anything, there's no intention behind the gesture, and he's sure Eli is too far away to have seen it anyway, but Joel can't pretend it doesn't feel good when he all but runs away from them. Sometimes he wonders if he'll have to maintain that level of terror in Eli, if he'll need to show up in his life now and then just to make sure that he knows all Joel's threats had been made with every intention of following through.

Spencer looks over at him and Joel can see the satisfaction in his eyes and it brings a smile to his face. That's the only thing he wanted to accomplish that night, to make sure his husband could feel safe, to make sure he doesn't have to be afraid to walk around town because someone like Eli is out there intending on making him miserable.

"Good," he says simply. There's a flutter of something he can't quite place, that same feeling he got the night of his encounter with Eli, a surge of power under his skin, but he pushes it down now. Eli is gone and he's here with Spencer, he doesn't need to access any of that right now. It's a new feeling, though, one he doesn't recognize and it feels stronger than it did that night. It's the feeling that accompanied that easy rage at the sight of Eli's face.

But he takes a deep breath and his smile eases out of the pleasure he'd gotten from seeing Eli run and into something a little more gentle. The kind of smile reserved just for Spencer. Whatever that power is, he's sure it's just part of what's always been there. His magic has always responded to Spencer right from the start, it's wanted to keep him safe and it sometimes sets itself into a flurry of electrical sparks when Spencer gets close enough. "So if I do some research into our options, you won't think I'm jumping the gun a little?" he asks, because he'd much rather return to their earlier top of conversation.

[doublethepain]

"Only if you don't mind that I'll be peering over your shoulder the entire time," he answers, though his eyes flicker up to where Eli had been standing just to make sure the other man has really gone. It wouldn't have surprised him to see Eli stalking toward them, fists balled at his sides, because the bully's never been very good about holding back his rage--even though the rage almost always seems to be directed somewhere inappropriate. He pushes aside the needling worry deep in his gut over what might happen if Eli ever did try to cause trouble for him again, what Joel might do to punish Eli for more than just some nasty words and a shove. Spencer knows how closed he'd come to killing Mark, and Spencer himself had believed he had. He still wonders once in awhile what it might have meant for him, how it would have impacted him, if it really had been Mark he'd beaten to death rather than that creature on the island. He'd told Joel he'd felt no guilt, and it's true because they'll do anything for each other, anything to protect each other; but he also knows he'd never want Joel to have to carry that burden of being responsible for truly hurting anyone, no matter what the circumstances.

He shakes himself from those thoughts because they have no place here, not when they're talking about their future child, and he matches Joel's smile with one of his own as his eyes drift to Huxley's tiny, sleeping form. "I'm excited," he says, voice soft and almost bashful, though there's no reason to be. It's not as if it's embarrassing to admit that he's looking forward to starting a family with his husband, it's just that this is a discussion he'd never imagined having. "I remember thinking about it in high school, not seriously entertaining anything, just thinking about it. What it would be like to have a family of my own. Then I got older, and I kept getting older, and I just... forgot. I forgot what it was like to be excited about my future."

He'd never really pictured leaving Siren Cove, Spencer knows he couldn't have left his family. Even when they'd been taken from him, he couldn't bear the thought of selling the house because it had been the only thing left to remind him of how he'd once been so loved. Things are different now, of course, and he doesn't anticipate Joel ever suggesting they leave this town for somewhere knew but if he did, Spencer wouldn't hestitate to follow. Joel is his family, the one person in this world who Spencer can be happy with anywhere they are--even facing the fear of never leaving that island, he'd taken comfort in the fact that he was at least with Joel.

Discussing having kids, though--and not just dicussing the possiblity, they're discussing the actual process, it's an inevitability now--puts things into perspective because like their marriage, it's something that spans not just weeks or months into the future but years and decades. He'd all but given up on the idea, had been more or less committed to being alone for the rest of his life until a few short months ago, and he feels like having all of this come at him so quickly should be strange in some way but somehow, none of it is. It all seems perfectly right.

He lets out a soft laugh, wondering if Joel can see just how much adoration is radiating from his aura because Spencer certainly feels it filling every part of him, and he presses a light kiss to the tip of his husband's nose. "It's just funny that it's barely been a week since I couldn't believe we were really getting married and now... Now we're talking about having our own little family. You've given me everything I never thought I'd have back, I--" He shakes his head fondly. "I just really love you."

[just_another]

"I really love you," Joel answers easily, with a smile as he places his hand against Spencer's chest, shifting the dog gently in his lap so he can do so. Spencer has changed so much in his life, not the least of which is the store and the puppy now sleeping against his chest. He's changed Joel in so many ways, all of them for the better, but the idea of having a family, having that chance to do something he'd never really imagined himself doing until now is incredible. When people -- mostly his parents -- had asked him if he wanted a family in the past, he'd always just shrug and grunt out some noncommittal answer to avoid giving a response. He had just never really cared about the possibility and had always wanted to avoid getting into a conversation about how he'd want it some day or he'd changed his mind or any of the vast comments fed to people who don't seem especially interested in having a family.

But Spencer has changed that, too. Now when he thinks about the prospect of having a family, he's excited. It's something he wants to do, but he realizes now he had to find the right person to do it with, that just anyone he'd met over the years wouldn't have been able to bring this desire and this instinct out of him. He's always been protective, he's always wanted to keep the people who are close to him safe and out of danger, but for so long that's really only ever applied to Charlotte and he can't keep treating her like she's a child when she's clearly not.

"I never thought about it much," he admits, because he doesn't think Spencer will be surprised and he doubts he'll be offended. "It was one of those things I imagined was fine for other people, but wouldn't ever be something I would want and it never occurred to me that maybe I felt that way just because I hadn't met the right person." He smiles, then shakes his head a little. "Then again, I'd truly never given much thought to meeting the right person, because that involved meeting anyone." And Spencer knows as well as anyone else just how often Joel avoided that sort of thing. Any situations where he had to be social had been shut down as quickly as possible and even the first time they'd met, he'd been awfully gruff. He remembers grabbing Spencer by the back of the neck to shove him back into the library and he flushes faintly, trying to imagine how Spencer possibly decided he liked him after that.

"But with you..." He trails off and tries to find the right words, but as is so often the case when it comes to Spencer, they won't quite come. There are so many things he can thank him for, so many new experiences he's had because Spencer loves him, so many feelings he's finally come to understand and it's all because of Spencer. "You make me feel like anything is possible. I know that sounds... well, it sounds pretty cheesy, but it's true. I can do things I never thought I could do now and I can do them because of you."

[doublethepain]

"I like cheesy when it's coming from you." It's just as cheesy a thing to say, but he suspects Joel won't mind because it's not as if either of them have had much of a reason to say these sorts of things to anyone else. Joel is, after all, Spencer's very first real relationship. It doesn't bother him that Joel's loved before, the only thing that would upset him at all about that would be the fact that it had ended in a way that had caused Joel so much pain. Mark Fuller had broken Spencer's fingers, he'd left behind the kinds of scars that aren't quickly healed, but it had meant a kind of pain so different for Joel.

Spencer doesn't know how he'd react if faced with the same situation, just that he'd do absolutely anything to protect Joel if it did--just as his husband had done for him. Sometimes he wonders what would happen if his mother and brother's cases were ever to be re-opened, if new evidence ever came to light, and Spencer has imagined all sorts of different scenarios for coming face-to-face with whoever had killed his family. When he dreams of it, the person is faceless, just a vague shape that Spencer can't ever quite make out; but some nights, the figure's life is slowly drained from its body under Spencer's hands. Some nights, they just stare at each other until Spencer finally asks why, only for the figure to disappear. Some nights, the figure talks with a voice so distorted that Spencer has to beg and shout for it to repeat itself, desperate for answers that he feels deep down in his gut that he'll never get.

So yes, cheesy is welcome. Cheesy is very much desired after the past few years that have only brought him tragedy and the kind of internal suffering he'd never felt he could unload on anyone because it would mean having to establish a level of trust he simply wasn't capable before he'd met the man beside him. He looks up to the sky and there's a slight chill in the air but the sky is very nearly clear. He lets his eyes slip shut as a cloud shifts out of the way of the sun and Spencer feels the warmth of the beam shining down on his face. Someday, it won't just be the two of them--and Huxley, of course--sitting on this bench together, it'll be the two of them and their baby. It'll be their family, and Spencer knows with absolutely certainty that he will never, ever let anyone take that away from them. Not if he can help it.

His eyes flutter back open, and he covers Joel's hand on his chest with his own, lowering his head to brush his lips over his husband's fingertips. "We're quite good for each other, aren't we?" he asks, but it's not a real question because they both already know the answer. There's nobody better for Spencer than Joel, and he truly believes that anyone familiar with either of them would have no choice but to agree. They'd been the libarian and the bookshop owner before they'd met but now, they're Spencer and Joel; and Spencer wouldn't have it any other way.

"Do you think you'd want a girl or a boy more? I know we'll be happy either way, but I can just imagine how horrible your glower would be if we had a teenage daughter bring a date home for the first time." He laughs at the image that forms in his head, a scowling Joel with silver-laced hair and his arms crossed over his broad chest as he fixes their child's fidgeting date with a glare. "God, we're going to have a child. Us, you and me, we're going to have a little boy or girl. It's so strange to think about."

[just_another]

Joel smiles, nodding in response to Spencer's question although he doesn't think either of them really needs an answer. All his adult life, he never imagined there would be anyone capable of drawing him out, that there would never be a single person who was actually good for him, who cared enough to try or whose own habits and behaviours complemented his own. He hadn't tried very hard to find this person either, had been perfectly comfortable with the idea of being on his own for the rest of his life, because being on his own meant there was no one there to hurt him. And Spencer could. Spencer could destroy him in a way no other person in his entire life has ever had to capability to do. If he were to leave, Joel knows what would be left behind would barely be a man anymore, but he never worries about that. Spencer is the one person in the world who has the power to completely ruin him as a human being and he's also the one person in the entire world Joel knows he never has to worry about doing such a thing.

They're good for each other and not only because of that trust. Spencer has everything of Joel. He holds absolutely everything and Joel trusts him with it and that's so important, he knows it is, but it's more than that. It's not just the big things, the fact that Spencer knows him better than anyone ever has, it's the little things, too. It's that Spencer makes it easier for him to smile, which in turn makes it easier for him to be a little more accepting of others. It's that Spencer makes him want to try, which makes the store a project that he can really work on instead of just letting it go on as it has for years. Spencer makes him want to be a better man, which means he's kinder to others when he normally wouldn't have been. They're good for each other. They make each other better people.

"I don't know," Joel says honestly when Spencer asks. He thinks he'd also be happy either way, but both genders certainly bring their own types of issues. "With girls you have to worry about... so much. The way media and society tells them they're not good enough because their body isn't shaped this way or their eyes aren't shaped that way or their hair isn't this colour and that terrifies me. Bringing up a girl in a world that wants to tear her own." He pauses, frowning thoughtfully. "But with boys no one thinks they have to do that same work, but you do. You have to teach them that that sort of behaviour is wrong. That they have to be respectful and call other men out when they hear that sort of garbage."

He remembers how angry he had been with Bach when he had started in on Lara that first time. Bach had accused Joel of defending her because they're friends, but the truth is that it just disgusts him to hear any man talk about any woman as if she's an object. It would infuriate him to hear men in Watersong talking about women and referring to them as that ass, breaking her down to a body part and nothing more. If any son of his ever spoke about another human being like that, Joel is fairly certain he would be grounded for the rest of his life.

"People always say boys are easier, but I don't think that's true," he says honestly. "I think a lot of the problems in the way men treat women and therefore women are taught to treat other women stem from this idea that we need to protect our girls, but our boys can run wild. The expression boys will be boys disgusts me because it allows for boys to get away with abusive, misogynistic behaviour from the time they're children simply because we live in a world where they're expected to assert their dominance and that's a good thing, but when little girls do the same they're scolded for being brats." He pauses after a moment and smiles sheepishly at Spencer. "It's possible I have a lot of thoughts on child rearing when it comes to this."

[doublethepain]

Spencer's quiet for a long moment because all he can do is stare. It's not out of shock or discomfort or anything like that, it's simply... out of awe. He knows Joel's mother has played a huge hand, practically the entire hand, in teaching him how to treat the women in his life, and it absolutely shows. It's beyond admirable, Spencer thinks, and this rant--for lack of a better word--only serves to show how utterly balanced Joel really is. Spencer supports everything Joel's just said, everything, and eventually he finds it in himself to nod.

"They're good thoughts, baby, the best thoughts. Listen to me, you're an amazing husband. You're going to be an amazing father, and we're going to teach our child, whether it's a boy or a girl, how to love and how to cherish. How to be kind, how to be fair and respectful and how to reserve judgment when it's so easy to look at others and make all sorts of assumptions based solely on the way they look or the things they say or do. We're going to do these things together, and we're going to do them well because we know. We know pain. We know suffering. We know what it's like to be so lonely that it feels like we'll never be anything else. We know more all that more than anyone should ever have to but look where it's brought us."

His voice wavers along with his bottom lip and his hand trembles over his husband's, still on his chest. He can feel the beating of his heart grow a little faster with every word that spills from his lips, but he's not finished yet. This man, his husband, the love of his life, is the only one he'd ever even be able to say something like this to because it's too personal. It's private, this pain he carries with him every day isn't exactly what he likes to talk about with casual acquaintances. Sometimes it hurts less than other days, sometimes he barely remembers it's there, but there's always something to remind him. Even if it's one little thing--a turn of phrase or a glimpse in the backyard or spotting the titles of his mother's favorite books--there's always something there. Being with Joel has helped to quiet the voice in his head that tells him he should have been able to stop him, should have tried harder to find out what really happened, should have done all sorts of things that Spencer rationally knows are out of his control.

Joel doesn't make him think rationally, not really, not by a long shot because Spencer loves his husband so much that there are times when he simply blocks out the rest of the world, allows himself to forget it exists just for a little while. Right now is a good example, even with Huxley nestled against Joel's chest. Spencer can't take his eyes off Joel, not even for a second because that would mean acknowledging that this life isn't just about the two of them when right now, that's all he wants it to be.

"I wouldn't have felt fit to take care of someone else before I met you," he continues, squeezing tightly at the bridge of his nose. "We take care of each other now, and we-- We're always going to save each other. That's what we're going to do for our family. Protect each other, keep each other safe, even if it's just from all the-- the bullshit the world throws at us." His cheeks flush a bit at the use of the curse, and he feels a bit childish for the reaction--which is a bit silly considering the considerable frequency with which he's used the word fuck in the bedroom--but it is what it is.

"We're going to be good at this," Spencer says, nodding firmly as if the confidence behind the words alone is enough to make it true. But he so believes it to be true. "We're going to make our families proud and our child is going to make us proud. There's no other way it could be."

[just_another]

"We are," Joel agrees and he knows there will be moments of doubt, moments when he finds himself sitting alone in their bedroom, his head in his hands, convinced he's done something awful, something horrible, sure he's made the worst possible mistake he can make as a parent. He knows it won't be true, not as long as he's kind and loving and not as long as he and Spencer talk about what they want to do together as parents, but he's still sure there will be moments of crushing insecurity. There will be times when he feels like a failure, when they both do, but even with those times, he's still sure they'll be really good parents. He knows he has a protective streak a mile wide and although it's never applied to many people -- only his sister, Cosette and Lara for a long time -- it now encompasses the family he's building. Even though they don't have a child yet, even though they're only talking about their options, he's already protective of this family they're going to build.

More than he's confident in his own abilities, though, he's confident in Spencer's. He knows it's only been a few months, but he's meant every single word he's ever said to Spencer about his kindness and his strength. Those are two incredibly important aspects in any parent, he thinks, and for Spencer to have them and in such abundance makes Joel certain he's going to be an amazing father. He has no doubts about their life together and to be so certain of something, to be so completely sure that they're going to make the right decisions and that Spencer will be there to guide him when he falters is a really good feeling. Joel's not sure he's ever felt so confident about anything.

"We are, we're going to be good at this," he says again. Then he smiles, rolling his eyes at himself a little. "Of course, when it comes down to the last few weeks and days before we have a child, you do realize we're both going to be convinced that we'll be terrible and we'll both be completely petrified by what's to come, right?" And in a strange way he's looking forward to that, too. He likes the idea of those last moments of panic, the same ones he's sure every new parent feels. He's looking forward to being the obnoxious person who can't do anything but talk about his new baby and he's looking forward to buying a crib and tiny socks and all the things he knows they'll need.

"So when I get to that point," he says slowly, leaning back against the bench again, "Remind me of this conversation. Remind me that I sat here and calmly agreed that we're going to be good at this. Maybe have a glass of whiskey ready for me at a moment's notice and promise not to drink it all yourself first." He's teasing now, but he still feels that burst of confidence that Spencer has instilled with him. As with every part of his life, being with Spencer simply makes him better, makes him happier and stronger and makes his life easier.

"You're going to make me proud," he says, because he realizes that's what he cares about the most. Of course he wants to raise their child well and he wants him or her to feel loved and to be happy, he wants his parents to be proud of them, but more than that, he wants Spencer to see him as a good father. "And I'm going to make you proud. That's... what what I want. I want you to be proud of me."