happiness is a warm puppy [open to all]

[doublethepain]

He's definitely come down with something.

It's hardly cause for panic, really, just a bit of congestion; some coughing that he thinks he's done a fair job of keeping under wraps; maybe a slightly sore throat, a few pressure headaches here and there, a case of the chills; but he's fine, Spencer is sure of it. He's fine because he's got a ring on his finger and a puppy at the end of his leash, so there's nothing at all in his life that he can complain about right now.

John had most generously given him half a day off--"a wedding gift from me to you" is how his boss had put it--so Spencer had stopped back at home to get Huxley before heading in some direction or another, he hadn't really had a plan. It's not very surprising that his feet seem to take him in the direction of Crossroads, as they so often do, but a part of him hopes that he'll run into some people he knows on the way there. He has news, after all, and he's not one to call up all his friends--not that it would take long, he muses--to share even the most exciting parts of his life, but he does want people to know.

He's happy, happier than he's ever been and not just since his mother and Dane had died. He has so much to be thankful for, so much to come to look forward to, and he can't remember the last time he'd felt so optimistic about his future. He smiles to himself as he watches Huxley sniff at the grass on the sidewalk before the puppy scrambles to meet a pair of feet that's headed their way, jumping up on his hind legs to paw at the stranger. Spencer's smile doesn't fade as he lifts his head to look at the other person; in fact, it only grows wider.

"You're in for it now," he says, a teasing edge to his tone. "Huxley seems to grow attached to people far too quickly for his own good."




[OOC: Spencer's a little under the weather right now because I am, too but he's in an excellent mood so it would be a great time to say hello, whether your character has already met him or not :) Find him walking his and Joel's new puppy Huxley or catch him wherever is convenient for your character to be. As long as that place allows dogs.]

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[just_another]

"He did, yes," Joel confirms with a nod, keeping close to Spencer, Huxley still held against his chest. The puppy is going to get bored and squirm away eventually, but for now it seems that the walk has tired him out and he rests against Joel's chest without protest, his eyes closed. Glancing down, he gives the puppy's ears a rub before he looks back to Spencer. He's looking forward to the signing, hopeful that it might generate more interest in the store from people who might not have otherwise come in, and he's excited that Caden chose to do it in his store instead of one of the chains. Joel knows he's not real competition for those stores, but he'd like to be able to keep himself employed. "I told him I could only pay him in coffee and cookies, but he seemed more than happy to accept that."

His smile widens when Spencer says he wants to help Joel succeed and he knows it, he's known it all along, but it still feels awfully nice to hear him say it. There's still a part of him that wants to resist the help, but he's doing a fairly good job at pushing that down, because there's no good reason for it except his pride and the fact that he's been on his own for so long. He's not on his own anymore, he's married to this wonderful man, and the very thought sends a happy little tingle up his spine.

"I was thinking... the things in the locked room, maybe I'll move them to the house," he says. "The things that are actually dangerous we'd have to find a safe place for, but most of it can be stored... well, everyone knows now, don't they? There's no reason for me to hide all that stuff when everyone knows."

So far he hasn't had anything to worry about. No one has been cruel to him, no one has said a word, although he'd been out of town when the summon had come in for the most recent meeting. Even with the fact that he'd revealed himself to a crowd of people, Joel isn't sure he'd attend something like that. He's never been part of the community and even now, even with more people knowing what he is, he's not sure he'd have anything to contribute to something like that.

"I was thinking... I mean, if you're okay with it, I could move it home and we could open that space up. Use it as part of the store instead," he suggest, looking at Spencer hopefully. It's their home, but when it comes to something like this, he still wants to default to Spencer. He needs to know it's okay before he does anything.

[doublethepain]

"Well, rumor has it the owner of the shop is an unfairly attractive man," he teases, nudging Joel's knee with his own. "And anyway, Mr. Carter seems like the type to have a soft spot for shops like yours. Sometimes I feel corrupt just walking into one of the chains, though I suppose he's got book sales to worry about. Fortunately, the biggest concern in my life at the moment is figuring out the best way to tell John that I'm quitting to come work for my husband."

It's really not much of a concern at all, simply more of an end of an era. He's been working at the library since he was seventeen, and John has known him for even longer because his mother had been his favorite employee--so John says--until she'd eventually decided to pass the torch to her son. They've always been loyal to each other and before he'd had Cosette or Lara as friends, John is the one who'd been there for Spencer, who'd been most like a father figure in his own way.

"I'm going to get an earful," he says with a laugh, reaching over Joel's lap to tap lightly at Huxley's nose. "But he's happy for us, you know. He tried to write me a check as a gift, but I wouldn't take it. So he ordered a pizza for lunch instead and brought in a box of cream soda."

John's given him more over the past decade than Spencer could have ever asked for, and Spencer knows it's not out of obligation to his mother's memory. They're close without being nosy about each other's lives, it's always worked for them, and Spencer wishes he knew of a way he could sufficiently thank John for everything he's done. Thinking of his boss sparks another thought, and he gives his husband a sidelong glance accompanied by an arched eyebrow.

"Have you told your family yet?" he asks, and he's been moderately amused since they've gotten back that Joel certainly hadn't. The longer Joel waits, the more severe the reaction will be, but Spencer isn't really worried about that, either. Ultimately, he's certain that Joel's family understands how much they love each other, how right this choice had been for them, just as their friends have so far. "I'm not sure who's going to be more upset that they weren't at the wedding, your mother or your sister. And yes, of course you can move your things home. It's your house, too. Or it will be, anyway, as soon as we get your name on the title."

There's still so much paperwork to do now that they're married, but Spencer likes to think of it as reinforcement of the promises they've made to each other than as a chore.

"Oh, we should put the Keurig to use on the day of the signing. A free cup of coffee for customer appreciation as long as they buy a book or something, isn't that a thing people enjoy?" He shrugs, sighing as leans back against the bench and absently rubs at his throat. "Now I'm the one getting far too ahead of myself, god."

[just_another]

"Will this make me your boss?" Joel asks when Spencer says he's coming to work for his husband instead of with him. "I've never been anyone's boss before." And he has no intention of making himself the boss now, not even with the two of them in the store. It may be difficult for him to give up control in some areas, but overall, he's finding himself pretty comfortable with the idea of working with Spencer, consulting him on big decisions, taking his opinions into consideration before making any changes. It's a little scary in some ways because he's never had to answer to anyone before and that's not how he thinks of this now, but it is a change. Regardless of how much of a partnership it is, it's a big change and while Joel has been perfectly comfortable with the other changes in his life, this one is a little more difficult. Not because he doesn't want it, but because he knows he's set in his ways.

But he wants this. He wants this big change because he feels like he's starting a new chapter of his life and it's because of Spencer he's here in the first place. His husband gives him the courage to do these things and he's excited to keep going, to keep finding new ways for the two of them to grow.

"I haven't told them yet," he admits with a soft laugh. He knows Spencer isn't going to think that he's keeping it a secret because he's embarrassed or ashamed. He hasn't told them yet because he isn't ready to hear them yell at him over the phone and he's absolutely convinced that as soon as they hear the news, they're going to making plans to come to Siren Cove and Joel isn't ready for that. They've only just gotten married and he wants to be able to enjoy that for at least a few weeks before his parents come barrelling into their life together. They'll be happy for them, they'll come because they want to celebrate and because they want to give both men hell for going off and eloping instead of having a big ceremony and reception.

"They're going to descend on us, you know that, right?" he asks, rubbing Huxley's ears as the puppy yawns and stretches in his lap. "As soon as I tell them, my mother is going to yell at me for at least twenty minutes before she tells me they're coming for another visit and we won't get a moment to ourselves got weeks." He loves his parents, he really does, and he appreciates how much they care about him and that they only want him to be happy, but right now, with barely a week of marriage under their belts, he just wants to be spending as much time alone with Spencer as he possibly can.

"Because now that she's your mother-in-law, she's going to insist she and my father stay with us," he adds, looking at Spencer in amusement. "I might be able to convince them that staying at the apartment is preferable, but I can't make any promises." They've wanted this for Joel for so long and although he thought they'd given up on it, the way they'd both taken to Spencer during their summer visit makes him realize both his parents had just sort of put it aside, that they'd both stopped mentioning it, but neither of them had really stopped hoping for this sort of life for him.

[doublethepain]

"Caught that, did you?" Spencer ducks his head to hide his bashful smile, and it's not as if there's much to be embarrassed about when Joel knows every bit of him better than anyone ever will but sometimes he still can't help the flush that rises to his cheeks when he's being playful or trying to be coy. It always takes him back to when they'd discussed the topic of popsicles in Joel's car, the way that Joel had nearly crashed into a mailbox, and Spencer lets out a burst of laughter at the memory. He looks back at Joel with a crooked smirk, reaching out to squeeze his husband's thigh. "I figure I should work my way up to a promotion. Show you how valuable an asset I can be to the store. We wouldn't want people to think I'm taking advantage of the owner, after all."

He's teasing but the larger truth is that Spencer doesn't want to walk into this partnership with his big ideas and guns ablazing, not when he knows Joel isn't the sort of man who's especially keen on major change. Spencer understands that entirely, he's the same way, and he'd been content to keep to the same routine until he'd met Joel because he simply hadn't been aware of how amazing things could be any other way. They'd adapted well to letting each other in, it had happened quite instantly, but Spencer isn't blinded by that enough to think that it would be the same when it comes to the store. He knows that Joel is trying, and Spencer loves him all the more for it; but he also doesn't want to make Joel feel like he's going to try to fix anything that isn't even broken.

He wants to be involved with the store, wants to help Joel make the important decisions because quite obviously, the success of Crossroads will directly affect their lives; but he doesn't think he'll have any trouble taking it slow. In any case, the first order of business--leaving the library--hasn't even been put into action yet so Spencer doesn't say anything more on it for now, focusing instead on what Joel says about his family.

No. Their family, the Bakers are his family by extension now, and it doesn't quite seem right, it's a thought that doesn't make much sense yet; but Spencer knows it'll be easier to say as time goes on. "My mother-in-law," he repeats, momentarily distracted by how the words feel rolling off his tongue, and he's quiet until Huxley nips lightly at his finger. That's when the rest of what Joel has said really processes, and he groans. "Well, then, you've got the right idea. You can save the news for, what do you think? Another year or two?"

He offers a wink before leaning over to give Joel's cheek a kiss. "In all seriousness, if you can't convince them to use the apartment, we've got the third guest room. It just needs to be touched up a bit, it's a little embarrassing as is right now." The room had previously been Spencer's, the one he'd grown up in before he'd moved into the master after his mother had died, and he hasn't done much with it since he'd moved out of it. There's some furniture and a few boxes but it wouldn't be difficult to turn it into something more welcoming. His tone takes on a teasing edge again as he presses his lips to Joel's temple. "I'll just have to take care to avoid mentioning that it's probably going to act as a nursery one day."

[just_another]

"I'll be a terrible boss, always letting you take extra long lunches," Joel grumbles, but he's smiling when Spencer squeezes his thigh and he lays his hand on top of Spencer's, brushing his fingertips against his knuckles. Whatever happens, whatever situation they end up in, he knows they'll make it work. It might be strange for him at first, but Joel knows if there's one person in the world he can make adjustments for, it's Spencer. So much of their lives together has been easy, far easier than Joel has ever expected anything to be, and he's not willing to give up any of that just because he's set in his ways when it comes to the store.

He'd promised to try and so he's trying. He thinks he's doing better than just trying, though. When he bristles, he keeps it to himself, counting to ten instead of letting himself say the first thing that pops into his mind. When he does that, when he gives himself a moment, he usually finds himself agreeing with whatever idea Spencer has suggested. They're all good ideas, they'll all benefit the store and Joel has to stop thinking of the store as an extension of himself. Change is not terrible. Change can be good for the success of the store.

When Spencer mentions his parents staying in the guest room, though, he has to fight back a groan and a laugh, leaning against Spencer's shoulder. He really does love his parents and he's grateful for the parts they play in his life, but he doesn't particularly like the idea of living with them again, even temporarily. Over the years he's become an increasingly private man and letting Spencer in had been relatively easy, but adjusting to living with two people instead of just his husband had been a bit of a trial at first. He likes having Raleigh around and he doesn't want her to think she has to leave, but it had been strange to wake up in the morning and have to get dressed before wandering to the bathroom only to find it already occupied. He'd gotten used to just rolling out of bed without needing to worry about what state he was in and who might see.

There's certainly no wandering around the house without his clothes on, that much is certain.

"That's probably for the best. If you tell my mom we're intending on using it as a nursery, she'll never leave," he says with a laugh, smiling over at Spencer, his eyes bright. They haven't talked about it much since the cruise, but the idea that they'll one day have a family is still one he finds himself especially pleased to revisit. There are options, he knows that, ways for two men to have a child, have a family, and he knows they'll have to think about it, but for the moment he's content to imagine all the different ways in which it might happen. Sometimes when he thinks about it, they've adopted a little boy with a head full of blond hair and a bright smile. And sometimes there's been a surrogate involved and there's a little girl with Spencer's eyes and Joel's smile. Sometimes there's more than one. A boy and a girl, sometimes two little boys, and Joel spends a lot more time imagining all the possibilities than he's willing to admit, even to Spencer.

"She'll insist on helping to get it ready," he says, smiling thoughtfully. "Painting the walls, buying us a crib. We could tell her we don't plan on doing this for years and she'd still want to make sure everything was prepared now. Just in case." And Joel doesn't want to wait years, but he's not sure he's ready to start planning right this minute either, which they won't be able to avoid if either of them admits they've discussed the possibility of kids already.

[doublethepain]

"Yes, well, we've been more than productive on a majority of those longer lunches so I don't think terrible is quite the right word to describe you." Lunch, in fact, has become the best part of Spencer's work day, and it had started after the first time Joel had come by the house, that night they'd gotten drunk together in the library. He'll always think fondly on that night, always be thankful for the fact that Joel had essentially been loitering outside his house, even more thankful for whatever had pushed him to invite Joel in at all. Spencer has wondered a couple times what would have happened if he'd just ignored seeing Joel out there because it's more surprising to Spencer that he hadn't, to be honest. He hadn't had a social call in quite some time before that night but after what had happened with the Hydra, something had compelled Spencer to open his door--open his life and his heart, too, as it's turned out.

If he'd walked away from that opportunity, would he have gotten another? Would Joel have found a different way to get under his skin, to become a person Spencer would find himself unable to stop thinking about? He'd privately assume so because he's become increasingly convinced over the last few months that he and Joel could only be meant to be for each other. The red thread that Matthew had used as a bookmark in the church in Wilton, though, that had almost served as a confirmation of everything, and Spencer finds himself rubbing at his own chest as his eyes wander to Joel's. The column of energy is there between them right now, he knows it even though he can't see it, and he's never looked for validation when it comes to loving Joel, but he has to admit that he likes it's there. Their paths lead to each other; they'll always lead to each other.

He brushes his lips over Joel's temple when his husband rests his head on his shoulder, and Spencer turns his palm up so he can lace their fingers together. Huxley, it seems, had fallen asleep right in Joel's lap somewhere in the last minute or so, and Spencer just watches the pup's body rise and fall with every breath. "They'll just be happy to see you happy. Appreciate every moment while you can," he says, and it's not meant to be a lecture. It's just something he wishes he'd shown his own family when they'd still been alive. His mother and brother had known Spencer loved them, it's not as if he'd ever turned his back on them or treated them like he didn't care. They'd been close, the three of them, but where his mother and Dane had always been open and easy to get along with, Spencer has always been a bit more shy, a bit more closed off. Being alone with his thoughts for so long after they'd died had given Spencer the chance to come to the conclusion that he should have done better, should have told them he loved them more, should have acted in a number of different ways that might have made him feel better about the fact that he'd been left behind to live.

It's hard to be mournful, though, when they're discussing--even in passing--the future of their family, and Spencer's thoughts shift from his mother and brother to what he and Joel might have one day. He pictures most often a little boy, the spitting image of Joel with the dark and curly hair, and Spencer knows he'd be wrapped around their son's little finger. Granted, the same would be true about a girl, and he lets out a contented sigh at the thought one day sharing the responsibility of fatherhood with this man. It's not something he'd ever even once given serious consideration to before but being with Joel has changed so much about what he thinks he'd be satisfied with in this life. Whether they have a child through a surrogate or adoption, he knows how much they'll love their little one. They'll be good fathers, he and Joel, and Spencer hasn't often allowed himself to admit that he's good at much of anything but when it comes to Joel, he feels a surge of confidence. A good husband and a good person, these are things Joel helps him to be every day, and Spencer is certain that will extend to being a good father.

"She'll never leave once she gets started," he says and though he's teasing, he thinks that may not be far from the truth. "Though having your sister back in Siren Cove and living in the apartment might come in awfully handy if it ever does happen. Free babysitting is a family obligation, isn't it?"

[just_another]

Joel's smile fades a little when Spencer says he should appreciate it while he can and he squeezes his husband's hand gently, knowing what he's thinking. There's nothing in the world he can do to change what has happened in Spencer's life, but that doesn't mean Joel doesn't regularly wish he could give Spencer his mother and his brother back. It's selfish in some ways, he wants to know that they'd be happy for the two of them, that they would approve of him, but mostly he just wants Spencer to be able to have that. He tries not to take his family for granted, not even when they're driving him crazy, but he knows it's far too easy to ignore his parents' calls while he tries to think of a way to tell them that he and Spencer are married now. Spencer is right, though. If he keeps ignoring their calls, if he keeps putting off telling them and something were to happen to them, he knows he'd regret it more than anything else he's ever done.

By the end of next week, he decides, he'll tell them. If that means they're going to show up on their doorstep and insist on staying with them for awhile in order to celebrate properly, then that's what it means. His mother will be overbearing and Joel will roll his eyes probably more times than he'll be able to count, but Spencer is right. He'll miss them terribly when they're gone and he knows he's far from ready to really consider that as even a possibility. Even though he's lived away from them for such a long time, they've still been such a pillar of strength in his life and he knows he'd be lost without them.

At the suggestion that Charlotte babysit, though, he laughs, lifting his head to look at Spencer. Huxley stirs on his lap and yawns, but his eyes stay closed as Joel shifts him gently. "Are you sure you'd want to trust my sister with our child?" he asks in amusement. It has nothing to do with Charlotte, he's just sure the two of them will find it completely impossible to leave any baby they have with anyone, probably for a good period of time. They're not going to be able to go out together, they won't be able to have dinner on their own and as much as Joel likes being able to spend time alone with Spencer, he's looking forward to that version of their life together, too. He's glad they'll be working together in a store that they own, because it means they won't have to put their child into daycare, they won't have to spend all day away from him or her, and Joel doesn't know how most parents do it. It must be so difficult. This child is still just an idea and he can't imagine being able to force himself to walk away to go to work.

"I know we have a lot going on and we just got married, but have you thought about it at all?" he asks curiously. He's content to just talk about it without making any solid plans right now. Rushing off to get married had felt like the right thing to do, but he doesn't feel any pressure to keep going at that same pace. If they take their time when it comes to having a family, he'll be perfectly content with that. He knows it's something they both want and that's enough right now. "Have you... would you want to look into adoption or surrogacy or... there has to be other options, doesn't there?" Unlike getting married, he hasn't done much research when it comes to having a child with Spencer. It's been there in the back of his mind, but getting married had been much more pressing and now there's the store to think about.

"I haven't done much research," he admits. "No, I haven't done any research." Joel smiles, his head back against Spencer's shoulder, enjoying the warmth of their linked hands, Spencer's thigh pressed alongside his. "I was much more concerned with getting married, I put all my research into that." But now that it's done, he's thinking about it now and then. Not in enough detail to have looked into it online, but it's there, an idea just in the back of his mind.

[doublethepain]

It's not that Spencer wants the sympathy, he hardly wants anyone to have to tiptoe around any mention of having a family just because he's lost his; he only knows what the loss has taught him and that is that with it comes what often feels like an endless deluge of regret. If he'd just told Dane he loved him the night before his brother had died instead of pushing him away with mock disdain after being pounced on and wished a happy birthday; if he'd only taken at least a moment to join his mother on the couch for a glass of wine to tell her how much he appreciated all she'd ever done for him, perhaps he'd have felt like he had more of a right to keep living his life. He thinks about where he is now--where his mother had been once and where Dane will never be--and he doesn't feel guilty for being happy, but he wants to be sure, if he can, that Joel never has to feel like he should be guilty for that either.

Joel will tell his family when he's ready, and Spencer would never ask him to do it a second sooner; but he doesn't think the reminder of how important it is to cherish each moment of life, of living, is ever going to be a bad one. He'd lost sight of that for quite some time until Joel had come into his life and now, he can picture so much of what their future might be like together when just a few months ago, he wouldn't have been able to see past tomorrow. "I should mine a visit soon," he muses, and he's imagining now what it would be like to take Joel with him, to take their child with them. He knows it might seem morbid to some but in spite of how awful their deaths had been, Spencer always feels at peace when he's at their graves. He still asks himself why he'd been left to survive, he'll still reach in a blind panic once in awhile when he wakes up to make sure Joel's there, to make sure that he's not going to walk downstairs and find his husband dead; but in some of the darkest times during the couple years of abuse and harassment after they'd passed, Spencer had sought refuge in the cemetery.

He shakes himself from his thoughts, focusing instead on the topic of their potential future child, and he wrinkles his nose now because Joel's right, the thought of leaving their baby with anyone else just seems so out of the question. "You're right, I take it back. She can watch from a distance." He's hesitant to admit it but Spencer knows they'd both be the most doting of fathers, and he can already see himself tied around their baby's finger. The truth is, he hasn't thought very much on it since they'd discussed it on the cruise but most of that is due to the fact that they've been so busy since they'd gotten back. They'd wasted very little time in town before deciding to get married, and he hadn't wanted to think about anything about Joel while they'd been away. And Huxley, as it had turned out, and the puppy seems to sense that Spencer's thinking of him because his eyes blink open tiredly as he paws at Joel's chest as if in some sort of protest before he falls right back asleep.

"I haven't done research recently but I've read on the subject before," he says, shrugging the shoulder Joel's not resting his head on with a sheepish smile Joel can't see. He lets his head fall gently against his husband's, making small circles with his thumb over the skin of Joel's hand as he considers the options he's immediately aware of. "Adoption is certainly something we can do, though it can take quite a bit of time. We'd have to decide if we want to adopt a newborn or a child who's a little older and if we went with a newborn, we'd have to develop a positive relationship with the birth parents. It means visits from a social worker, it means people digging into our pasts and asking questions about our lives and whether we're fit to be parents. It could mean a lot of frustration. Not that I don't think we can't handle any of that, it's just... how it works sometimes. Surrogacy, we could go through an agency or try to find someone on our own but we'd have to be careful about who we choose and we'd definitely need a lawyer to make sure the surrogate wouldn't try to claim parental rights in the future. But with a surrogate, we could both donate and--" He pauses as something strikes him then, and he lets out a soft laugh. "I just realized, if we decided to go that direction, our baby could be half-witch."

[just_another]

It's incredibly peaceful just sitting here, he realizes, on the bench outside the store -- their store, he has to remind himself with a little smile -- and he thinks he'd rather not move from here for the rest of the afternoon. The puppy is a warm weight in his lap and having a moment like this, where he can just sit with Spencer, just simply enjoy his company while they talk about whatever crosses their minds, he knows he's extremely lucky to have a job that allows him that freedom. Not that John has been particularly restrictive with Spencer's time, but the freedom the store allows is at least one small part of why he finds himself looking forward to having Spencer come to work with him. When it isn't busy, they'll be able to do exactly this. If they choose to, they can leave the work until the evening and spend the afternoon reading on the couch if there are no customers in the store. It's a wonderful situation to imagine and Joel can't wait until it's a reality, until this is where they come to work together every morning.

It will allow them a lot of freedom when it comes to raising a child, too. Joel had never once thought of the store as being so convenient before, but now that he and Spencer are making plans for their future, he can certainly see all the benefits in owning this place instead of having to work some boring office job he's sure he would hate.

As he listens to Spencer speak, he expects a sense of panic to rise. Whatever they choose, there is a lot of work to do, a lot of options to consider and he's starting to wonder if they shouldn't really be looking into it already. No matter what they decide, he imagines the legality of the situation will take a fair bit of time to work out and if they start early, they might actually find themselves with a child when they're actually ready.

Then Spencer says their baby could be half-witch and Joel laughs, because he hadn't expected that. While he'd thought about what might happen with a surrogate, he'd always imagined a little boy or girl with Spencer's wide smile and his cheekbones, but there is a chance that the baby would look like him instead. That he or she would have magic in their blood and his lips part as he tilts his head up and looks at Spencer in wonder.

"I never thought of that," he admits, smiling. "I've... some witches are concerned with that. With passing on their bloodline." He thinks it's a load of ridiculous garbage, especially the extent to which some of them take it, but thinking about it now, thinking about having a child with Spencer who might be capable of the same things he can do, it's actually strangely appealing. And terrifying. "It's a little scary, isn't it? Babies are a lot of work to begin with, but then you throw magic into it..." He's still smiling, though, even as he shakes his head.

[doublethepain]

He remembers the subject coming up the first time he'd met Joel's parents and how adamant Eleanor had been that they don't see things that way. She needn't have said it, not really, but he'd appreciated it all the same. It's a bizarre thing to even have to consider, an actual magical bloodline, and he wonders--not for the first time--how he could have been so blind to the supernatural element of this town for so long. Joel had tried to keep his identity under wraps from most people, that's true enough, but there are also those witches and sirens that don't seem to care at all whether people know what they are or not. Shea Cooper, for one, isn't necessarily shy about his healing ability and it makes Spencer wonder if Dane had known; if his mother had known her regular library patrons a bit better than he'd ever bothered to get to know them and if that's the case, why would he have been left in the dark for so long?


It's not something worth thinking about right now, and he chastises himself for even starting to ask questions he couldn't possibly find the answer to and besides that, it's not as if it matters all too much now. What matters is what's in front of him, what lies in store for his future with Joel and their child--children, even, maybe, someday--so he hums his amused agreement as he lets himself go back to conjuring the image of that dark and curly-haired little boy whose smile would surely stop Spencer in his tracks just like his father. "It's scary," he says softly, threading the fingers of his free hand through Joel's hair, "mostly because I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing." His laugh is sheepish, a little embarrassed even though he has no reason to be because it's not as if Joel has much more experience in the field of parenting. There are a lot of things he's had to learn to adapt to over the last few months, though; adapting to something as incredible as having a child with the man he loves, with his husband, is hardly something they won't be able to do, no matter how daunting it seems now.


"I have this vision," he admits, a smile playing at the corners of his lips as he lets his eyes gloss over with what he's imagining. "It's that path between us, the connection, the one you saw the night you told me you love me, and it's even stronger than it is right now. It's you and me, holding our baby in our arms for the very first time. It's bringing our son or daughter home to Balto and Huxley, all of us lying in bed together for the first time as a family." His smile widens as he glances down at his husband, and he leans forward to press a kiss to Joel's forehead. "No matter what we decide to do, no matter how long we wait to do it, it's going to end the same way. Scary and difficult sometimes, yes, but we're going to have a little son or daughter that we're going to love so much. It's... It's really something else, to know that's in our future. I'd never once considered even the possibility of kids before I met you and now..."

Now they're married. Now there are new paths to travel, new journeys to take, and they're going to take each step of the way together. He shakes his head a little, letting out a short, incredulous laugh. "I didn't think this would be my life."

[just_another]

As Spencer speaks, Joel just leans against him, his eyes closed, enjoying the feeling of his hand in his hair and he smiles. He admits he has no idea what he's doing, but Joel is sure Spencer knows the same is true of him, that they'll both be in the exact same terrified little boat whenever they have a child. He knows they'll both be nervous and probably overprotective, most likely to the point of irritation as their child gets older, but Joel knows he'd much rather have a son or daughter who was occasionally annoyed with their excessive behaviour than have something happen to someone he loves that much. Because he does already. It's just the idea of a family, he knows that, but when he imagines what Spencer is saying, something happens inside him, a constricting in his chest that he's come to recognize as the kind of love that doesn't just happen all the time. It's different and it's special and they're not only going to have it with each other, they're going to feel it with their family, too.

He's glad his eyes are closed, though, because he's not sure he'd be able to listen to what Spencer is picturing without tearing up. It takes him several moments before he thinks he's safe to open his eyes again and when he does he sits up on the bench a little straighter, lifting one hand to Spencer's face as he turns toward him. If he ends up getting sick after all this, it will be more than worth it, because there's not possible way he can listen to this plan, this idea for their future, and not kiss his husband. His thumb sweeps over Spencer's cheek as he leans in for a long, slow kiss, enjoying it for everything its worth despite the fact that they're sitting right in front of his store. People are going to have to get used to this if they want to shop at Crossroads, he decides, because he imagines he's going to spend an awfully large part of his day stealing kisses from Spencer whenever he can.

"Neither did I," he says when he finally pulls back. "And I never thought I would want it either. I thought being alone was better. It was safer, certainly, because it hurt less, but I had no idea what it could feel like to not be alone." But it wouldn't feel this way with just anyone, he knows that. This feeling, everything they have, it's unique to them. Joel would never find this with another person, just like another person would never find it with him.

"That... I can't even tell you how much I want that now," he continues. "What you described. Holding a baby for the first time. Seeing your face when you see and hold him or her." Because as much as Joel loves the idea of having their baby in his arms, he can't stop imagining how happy Spencer would look, the way he would light up, the ease and incredulity of his smile. One day he's going to get a chance to see what and experience it and he finds he can't wait. "So... the way you're talking, a surrogate seems like it might be the best idea for us."

[doublethepain]

The kiss catches him off-guard at first but it's barely half a second before he's melting into it, there's no other reaction possible when it comes to Joel's lips on his; but then Joel's talking about how he'd once thought being alone was better, and Spencer finds himself nodding along as his husband continues because he understands exactly what that had felt like. It's one of the reasons why he'd known from the beginning that this relationship would be like no other, how easily he'd fallen into the habit of relying on Joel to make his day better. Sometimes he still can't believe it had taken them longer than that first night in the library to figure this out, to realize how right they are for each other, but they'd both been such different men then. It had only been a few months ago but Spencer feels like years have past, if only because Joel has transformed him into the sort of person who understands how to love another so completely, so unconditionally--he'd have never thought that would be something he could do.

"One hundred and ten days now," he says, a smile playing at his lips, and what that means is that they've been married for eight days. Eight incredible days that are going to stretch into a lifetime of happiness and contentment with this man, with this one man, and Spencer knows the odds of finding a connection like this with someone aren't likely in a world holding billions of people but somehow, they'd found it. They'd found each other, and he doesn't know who or what he's supposed to thank for that but he'll do it with every last bit of himself because Joel has given Spencer his life back.

"I'd be fine with either option but..." He shrugs, eyes drifting down to Huxley as his mind produces an image of their baby sleeping soundly in Joel's arms. "I do think I'm leaning more toward the idea of surrogacy. But we can discuss it more if you're not sure, it's not as if we need to make a decision right away. Although, you have full permission to smack me if nine months from now, one of us is talking about how badly we wish we had a baby already."

He laughs just as he glances up and who he sees across the street makes him tense. It's Eli Jasper, and he hasn't spotted them yet but Spencer's chest seizes with a panicked dread. He knows Joel had put Eli in his place but Eli's never been very good about learning the lesson it and retaining it. He doesn't want to say anything, not only because his throat has gone dry--and he hates that Eli can still do this to him eleven years out of high school, though it's more than that now because now this involves his huband--but he suspects that the second Spencer's body had stiffened, Joel had been very well aware of it.

Eli turns then and instead of sneering like Spencer had expected, the bully's eyes widen so large that it would have been comical under other circumstances. Spencer narrows his eyes, practically holding his breath because he's wondering if the other shoe's about to drop, but Eli dodges one direction then the other before spinning in a full circle and heading very decidedly away from them.

"Well. Alright then." Spencer looks to Joel with a carefully neutral expression, though there's a hint of satisfaction in his eyes. "It appears you were very effective."

[just_another]

They might not have to make a decision right now, but Joel thinks he'll likely begin to do some research tonight just to learn a little more about their options. For weeks it had felt like he and Spencer were moving at a glacial pace, cautiously touching each other, making attempts at expressing how they felt, little gestures that neither could entirely own up to as being part of the bigger picture and then suddenly everything had come together in a rush. That night he'd gone to Spencer's, the first night they'd slept in Spencer's bed together. They'd jumped straight from first date to spending the night and being unable to sleep apart so quickly that sometimes Joel wonders if he shouldn't be reeling from the speed of it. But he isn't. They'd both needed time to come to terms with what they wanted, but when they did, when they realized what they could have only to come so close to having it taken away, they'd both come to the conclusion that waiting seems pointless. Joel doesn't know where he'll be a year from now or five years from now or fifty years from now, but he knows who he'll be with. He knows it as sure as he's ever known anything and for that reason alone he sees no point in putting off at least doing some research.

He's about to say as much when Spencer tenses beside him and his gaze snaps up, spotting Eli Jasper across the street. It's incredible how quickly the rage rises up in him and Joel's fingers twitch minutely against the bench as his eyes narrow. It's not enough to do anything, there's no intention behind the gesture, and he's sure Eli is too far away to have seen it anyway, but Joel can't pretend it doesn't feel good when he all but runs away from them. Sometimes he wonders if he'll have to maintain that level of terror in Eli, if he'll need to show up in his life now and then just to make sure that he knows all Joel's threats had been made with every intention of following through.

Spencer looks over at him and Joel can see the satisfaction in his eyes and it brings a smile to his face. That's the only thing he wanted to accomplish that night, to make sure his husband could feel safe, to make sure he doesn't have to be afraid to walk around town because someone like Eli is out there intending on making him miserable.

"Good," he says simply. There's a flutter of something he can't quite place, that same feeling he got the night of his encounter with Eli, a surge of power under his skin, but he pushes it down now. Eli is gone and he's here with Spencer, he doesn't need to access any of that right now. It's a new feeling, though, one he doesn't recognize and it feels stronger than it did that night. It's the feeling that accompanied that easy rage at the sight of Eli's face.

But he takes a deep breath and his smile eases out of the pleasure he'd gotten from seeing Eli run and into something a little more gentle. The kind of smile reserved just for Spencer. Whatever that power is, he's sure it's just part of what's always been there. His magic has always responded to Spencer right from the start, it's wanted to keep him safe and it sometimes sets itself into a flurry of electrical sparks when Spencer gets close enough. "So if I do some research into our options, you won't think I'm jumping the gun a little?" he asks, because he'd much rather return to their earlier top of conversation.

[doublethepain]

"Only if you don't mind that I'll be peering over your shoulder the entire time," he answers, though his eyes flicker up to where Eli had been standing just to make sure the other man has really gone. It wouldn't have surprised him to see Eli stalking toward them, fists balled at his sides, because the bully's never been very good about holding back his rage--even though the rage almost always seems to be directed somewhere inappropriate. He pushes aside the needling worry deep in his gut over what might happen if Eli ever did try to cause trouble for him again, what Joel might do to punish Eli for more than just some nasty words and a shove. Spencer knows how closed he'd come to killing Mark, and Spencer himself had believed he had. He still wonders once in awhile what it might have meant for him, how it would have impacted him, if it really had been Mark he'd beaten to death rather than that creature on the island. He'd told Joel he'd felt no guilt, and it's true because they'll do anything for each other, anything to protect each other; but he also knows he'd never want Joel to have to carry that burden of being responsible for truly hurting anyone, no matter what the circumstances.

He shakes himself from those thoughts because they have no place here, not when they're talking about their future child, and he matches Joel's smile with one of his own as his eyes drift to Huxley's tiny, sleeping form. "I'm excited," he says, voice soft and almost bashful, though there's no reason to be. It's not as if it's embarrassing to admit that he's looking forward to starting a family with his husband, it's just that this is a discussion he'd never imagined having. "I remember thinking about it in high school, not seriously entertaining anything, just thinking about it. What it would be like to have a family of my own. Then I got older, and I kept getting older, and I just... forgot. I forgot what it was like to be excited about my future."

He'd never really pictured leaving Siren Cove, Spencer knows he couldn't have left his family. Even when they'd been taken from him, he couldn't bear the thought of selling the house because it had been the only thing left to remind him of how he'd once been so loved. Things are different now, of course, and he doesn't anticipate Joel ever suggesting they leave this town for somewhere knew but if he did, Spencer wouldn't hestitate to follow. Joel is his family, the one person in this world who Spencer can be happy with anywhere they are--even facing the fear of never leaving that island, he'd taken comfort in the fact that he was at least with Joel.

Discussing having kids, though--and not just dicussing the possiblity, they're discussing the actual process, it's an inevitability now--puts things into perspective because like their marriage, it's something that spans not just weeks or months into the future but years and decades. He'd all but given up on the idea, had been more or less committed to being alone for the rest of his life until a few short months ago, and he feels like having all of this come at him so quickly should be strange in some way but somehow, none of it is. It all seems perfectly right.

He lets out a soft laugh, wondering if Joel can see just how much adoration is radiating from his aura because Spencer certainly feels it filling every part of him, and he presses a light kiss to the tip of his husband's nose. "It's just funny that it's barely been a week since I couldn't believe we were really getting married and now... Now we're talking about having our own little family. You've given me everything I never thought I'd have back, I--" He shakes his head fondly. "I just really love you."

[just_another]

"I really love you," Joel answers easily, with a smile as he places his hand against Spencer's chest, shifting the dog gently in his lap so he can do so. Spencer has changed so much in his life, not the least of which is the store and the puppy now sleeping against his chest. He's changed Joel in so many ways, all of them for the better, but the idea of having a family, having that chance to do something he'd never really imagined himself doing until now is incredible. When people -- mostly his parents -- had asked him if he wanted a family in the past, he'd always just shrug and grunt out some noncommittal answer to avoid giving a response. He had just never really cared about the possibility and had always wanted to avoid getting into a conversation about how he'd want it some day or he'd changed his mind or any of the vast comments fed to people who don't seem especially interested in having a family.

But Spencer has changed that, too. Now when he thinks about the prospect of having a family, he's excited. It's something he wants to do, but he realizes now he had to find the right person to do it with, that just anyone he'd met over the years wouldn't have been able to bring this desire and this instinct out of him. He's always been protective, he's always wanted to keep the people who are close to him safe and out of danger, but for so long that's really only ever applied to Charlotte and he can't keep treating her like she's a child when she's clearly not.

"I never thought about it much," he admits, because he doesn't think Spencer will be surprised and he doubts he'll be offended. "It was one of those things I imagined was fine for other people, but wouldn't ever be something I would want and it never occurred to me that maybe I felt that way just because I hadn't met the right person." He smiles, then shakes his head a little. "Then again, I'd truly never given much thought to meeting the right person, because that involved meeting anyone." And Spencer knows as well as anyone else just how often Joel avoided that sort of thing. Any situations where he had to be social had been shut down as quickly as possible and even the first time they'd met, he'd been awfully gruff. He remembers grabbing Spencer by the back of the neck to shove him back into the library and he flushes faintly, trying to imagine how Spencer possibly decided he liked him after that.

"But with you..." He trails off and tries to find the right words, but as is so often the case when it comes to Spencer, they won't quite come. There are so many things he can thank him for, so many new experiences he's had because Spencer loves him, so many feelings he's finally come to understand and it's all because of Spencer. "You make me feel like anything is possible. I know that sounds... well, it sounds pretty cheesy, but it's true. I can do things I never thought I could do now and I can do them because of you."

[doublethepain]

"I like cheesy when it's coming from you." It's just as cheesy a thing to say, but he suspects Joel won't mind because it's not as if either of them have had much of a reason to say these sorts of things to anyone else. Joel is, after all, Spencer's very first real relationship. It doesn't bother him that Joel's loved before, the only thing that would upset him at all about that would be the fact that it had ended in a way that had caused Joel so much pain. Mark Fuller had broken Spencer's fingers, he'd left behind the kinds of scars that aren't quickly healed, but it had meant a kind of pain so different for Joel.

Spencer doesn't know how he'd react if faced with the same situation, just that he'd do absolutely anything to protect Joel if it did--just as his husband had done for him. Sometimes he wonders what would happen if his mother and brother's cases were ever to be re-opened, if new evidence ever came to light, and Spencer has imagined all sorts of different scenarios for coming face-to-face with whoever had killed his family. When he dreams of it, the person is faceless, just a vague shape that Spencer can't ever quite make out; but some nights, the figure's life is slowly drained from its body under Spencer's hands. Some nights, they just stare at each other until Spencer finally asks why, only for the figure to disappear. Some nights, the figure talks with a voice so distorted that Spencer has to beg and shout for it to repeat itself, desperate for answers that he feels deep down in his gut that he'll never get.

So yes, cheesy is welcome. Cheesy is very much desired after the past few years that have only brought him tragedy and the kind of internal suffering he'd never felt he could unload on anyone because it would mean having to establish a level of trust he simply wasn't capable before he'd met the man beside him. He looks up to the sky and there's a slight chill in the air but the sky is very nearly clear. He lets his eyes slip shut as a cloud shifts out of the way of the sun and Spencer feels the warmth of the beam shining down on his face. Someday, it won't just be the two of them--and Huxley, of course--sitting on this bench together, it'll be the two of them and their baby. It'll be their family, and Spencer knows with absolutely certainty that he will never, ever let anyone take that away from them. Not if he can help it.

His eyes flutter back open, and he covers Joel's hand on his chest with his own, lowering his head to brush his lips over his husband's fingertips. "We're quite good for each other, aren't we?" he asks, but it's not a real question because they both already know the answer. There's nobody better for Spencer than Joel, and he truly believes that anyone familiar with either of them would have no choice but to agree. They'd been the libarian and the bookshop owner before they'd met but now, they're Spencer and Joel; and Spencer wouldn't have it any other way.

"Do you think you'd want a girl or a boy more? I know we'll be happy either way, but I can just imagine how horrible your glower would be if we had a teenage daughter bring a date home for the first time." He laughs at the image that forms in his head, a scowling Joel with silver-laced hair and his arms crossed over his broad chest as he fixes their child's fidgeting date with a glare. "God, we're going to have a child. Us, you and me, we're going to have a little boy or girl. It's so strange to think about."

[just_another]

Joel smiles, nodding in response to Spencer's question although he doesn't think either of them really needs an answer. All his adult life, he never imagined there would be anyone capable of drawing him out, that there would never be a single person who was actually good for him, who cared enough to try or whose own habits and behaviours complemented his own. He hadn't tried very hard to find this person either, had been perfectly comfortable with the idea of being on his own for the rest of his life, because being on his own meant there was no one there to hurt him. And Spencer could. Spencer could destroy him in a way no other person in his entire life has ever had to capability to do. If he were to leave, Joel knows what would be left behind would barely be a man anymore, but he never worries about that. Spencer is the one person in the world who has the power to completely ruin him as a human being and he's also the one person in the entire world Joel knows he never has to worry about doing such a thing.

They're good for each other and not only because of that trust. Spencer has everything of Joel. He holds absolutely everything and Joel trusts him with it and that's so important, he knows it is, but it's more than that. It's not just the big things, the fact that Spencer knows him better than anyone ever has, it's the little things, too. It's that Spencer makes it easier for him to smile, which in turn makes it easier for him to be a little more accepting of others. It's that Spencer makes him want to try, which makes the store a project that he can really work on instead of just letting it go on as it has for years. Spencer makes him want to be a better man, which means he's kinder to others when he normally wouldn't have been. They're good for each other. They make each other better people.

"I don't know," Joel says honestly when Spencer asks. He thinks he'd also be happy either way, but both genders certainly bring their own types of issues. "With girls you have to worry about... so much. The way media and society tells them they're not good enough because their body isn't shaped this way or their eyes aren't shaped that way or their hair isn't this colour and that terrifies me. Bringing up a girl in a world that wants to tear her own." He pauses, frowning thoughtfully. "But with boys no one thinks they have to do that same work, but you do. You have to teach them that that sort of behaviour is wrong. That they have to be respectful and call other men out when they hear that sort of garbage."

He remembers how angry he had been with Bach when he had started in on Lara that first time. Bach had accused Joel of defending her because they're friends, but the truth is that it just disgusts him to hear any man talk about any woman as if she's an object. It would infuriate him to hear men in Watersong talking about women and referring to them as that ass, breaking her down to a body part and nothing more. If any son of his ever spoke about another human being like that, Joel is fairly certain he would be grounded for the rest of his life.

"People always say boys are easier, but I don't think that's true," he says honestly. "I think a lot of the problems in the way men treat women and therefore women are taught to treat other women stem from this idea that we need to protect our girls, but our boys can run wild. The expression boys will be boys disgusts me because it allows for boys to get away with abusive, misogynistic behaviour from the time they're children simply because we live in a world where they're expected to assert their dominance and that's a good thing, but when little girls do the same they're scolded for being brats." He pauses after a moment and smiles sheepishly at Spencer. "It's possible I have a lot of thoughts on child rearing when it comes to this."

[doublethepain]

Spencer's quiet for a long moment because all he can do is stare. It's not out of shock or discomfort or anything like that, it's simply... out of awe. He knows Joel's mother has played a huge hand, practically the entire hand, in teaching him how to treat the women in his life, and it absolutely shows. It's beyond admirable, Spencer thinks, and this rant--for lack of a better word--only serves to show how utterly balanced Joel really is. Spencer supports everything Joel's just said, everything, and eventually he finds it in himself to nod.

"They're good thoughts, baby, the best thoughts. Listen to me, you're an amazing husband. You're going to be an amazing father, and we're going to teach our child, whether it's a boy or a girl, how to love and how to cherish. How to be kind, how to be fair and respectful and how to reserve judgment when it's so easy to look at others and make all sorts of assumptions based solely on the way they look or the things they say or do. We're going to do these things together, and we're going to do them well because we know. We know pain. We know suffering. We know what it's like to be so lonely that it feels like we'll never be anything else. We know more all that more than anyone should ever have to but look where it's brought us."

His voice wavers along with his bottom lip and his hand trembles over his husband's, still on his chest. He can feel the beating of his heart grow a little faster with every word that spills from his lips, but he's not finished yet. This man, his husband, the love of his life, is the only one he'd ever even be able to say something like this to because it's too personal. It's private, this pain he carries with him every day isn't exactly what he likes to talk about with casual acquaintances. Sometimes it hurts less than other days, sometimes he barely remembers it's there, but there's always something to remind him. Even if it's one little thing--a turn of phrase or a glimpse in the backyard or spotting the titles of his mother's favorite books--there's always something there. Being with Joel has helped to quiet the voice in his head that tells him he should have been able to stop him, should have tried harder to find out what really happened, should have done all sorts of things that Spencer rationally knows are out of his control.

Joel doesn't make him think rationally, not really, not by a long shot because Spencer loves his husband so much that there are times when he simply blocks out the rest of the world, allows himself to forget it exists just for a little while. Right now is a good example, even with Huxley nestled against Joel's chest. Spencer can't take his eyes off Joel, not even for a second because that would mean acknowledging that this life isn't just about the two of them when right now, that's all he wants it to be.

"I wouldn't have felt fit to take care of someone else before I met you," he continues, squeezing tightly at the bridge of his nose. "We take care of each other now, and we-- We're always going to save each other. That's what we're going to do for our family. Protect each other, keep each other safe, even if it's just from all the-- the bullshit the world throws at us." His cheeks flush a bit at the use of the curse, and he feels a bit childish for the reaction--which is a bit silly considering the considerable frequency with which he's used the word fuck in the bedroom--but it is what it is.

"We're going to be good at this," Spencer says, nodding firmly as if the confidence behind the words alone is enough to make it true. But he so believes it to be true. "We're going to make our families proud and our child is going to make us proud. There's no other way it could be."

[just_another]

"We are," Joel agrees and he knows there will be moments of doubt, moments when he finds himself sitting alone in their bedroom, his head in his hands, convinced he's done something awful, something horrible, sure he's made the worst possible mistake he can make as a parent. He knows it won't be true, not as long as he's kind and loving and not as long as he and Spencer talk about what they want to do together as parents, but he's still sure there will be moments of crushing insecurity. There will be times when he feels like a failure, when they both do, but even with those times, he's still sure they'll be really good parents. He knows he has a protective streak a mile wide and although it's never applied to many people -- only his sister, Cosette and Lara for a long time -- it now encompasses the family he's building. Even though they don't have a child yet, even though they're only talking about their options, he's already protective of this family they're going to build.

More than he's confident in his own abilities, though, he's confident in Spencer's. He knows it's only been a few months, but he's meant every single word he's ever said to Spencer about his kindness and his strength. Those are two incredibly important aspects in any parent, he thinks, and for Spencer to have them and in such abundance makes Joel certain he's going to be an amazing father. He has no doubts about their life together and to be so certain of something, to be so completely sure that they're going to make the right decisions and that Spencer will be there to guide him when he falters is a really good feeling. Joel's not sure he's ever felt so confident about anything.

"We are, we're going to be good at this," he says again. Then he smiles, rolling his eyes at himself a little. "Of course, when it comes down to the last few weeks and days before we have a child, you do realize we're both going to be convinced that we'll be terrible and we'll both be completely petrified by what's to come, right?" And in a strange way he's looking forward to that, too. He likes the idea of those last moments of panic, the same ones he's sure every new parent feels. He's looking forward to being the obnoxious person who can't do anything but talk about his new baby and he's looking forward to buying a crib and tiny socks and all the things he knows they'll need.

"So when I get to that point," he says slowly, leaning back against the bench again, "Remind me of this conversation. Remind me that I sat here and calmly agreed that we're going to be good at this. Maybe have a glass of whiskey ready for me at a moment's notice and promise not to drink it all yourself first." He's teasing now, but he still feels that burst of confidence that Spencer has instilled with him. As with every part of his life, being with Spencer simply makes him better, makes him happier and stronger and makes his life easier.

"You're going to make me proud," he says, because he realizes that's what he cares about the most. Of course he wants to raise their child well and he wants him or her to feel loved and to be happy, he wants his parents to be proud of them, but more than that, he wants Spencer to see him as a good father. "And I'm going to make you proud. That's... what what I want. I want you to be proud of me."