[closed for joel] backdated to march 9

[doublethepain]

No matter how much he may try to distract himself, no matter how happy he is with his family, this is always going to be a difficult day.

It's not for lack of trying, of course. Since the weekend, Spencer has noticed Joel doing his best to be casual about going out of his way to get to the mail first, to be the one to volunteer to take the dog out in the mornings while Spencer tends to the baby, to send Charlotte on strange missions to get them lunch or coffee that always take her longer than would be normal to do. He knows what his husband is doing, there's no question of it, and more than that, Spencer loves Joel so much for it.

Last year, Joel had managed to keep any letters filled with hate and accusations at the wayside, had kept them from slipping through the cracks. He's done an excellent job of it this year, too, though Spencer supposes he can't be certain any had been delivered at all. There hasn't been any graffiti on their garage doors, no shouting from across the street on their walks to the store, and in the absence of all that, Spencer is only made hyperaware of the approaching day.

He's thirty-one now, he thinks, staring up at the ceiling as he lies next to his husband in bed. It's been a few hours since he'd woken up with the sun, hardly a surprise, considering the nightmare that'd disturbed him in the middle of the night. Joel had been woken, too, much to Spencer's dismay, and it'd only been after getting up to make sure Dane was still safely asleep in his crib that he'd felt even close to being able to attempt getting back to sleep. He'd managed to succeed for a little while, which is remarkable in itself, but now, Spencer is realizing that he's going to have to actually face the day ahead.

Last year had been incredible, the bouncy castle a surprise that Spencer will cherish in his memory forever because it'd been the first time in the past few years that he'd been able to enjoy his birthday. He has no doubts that his husband has planned something just as wonderful this year, and Spencer shifts onto his side to drape an arm over Joel's waist and press a kiss to his shoulder. His heart is heavy, there's no escaping that, but at the same time, things are different now. Not only does he have his husband, he has his son, an entire family that's brought him so much more joy than he'd ever though he could have. So as difficult a day as this will be, Spencer still knows he'll get through it. With Joel and Dane at his side, he can get through anything.

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[just_another]

Joel has been planning this day for some time now, wanting to make sure everything would go off without a hitch. It isn't that he expects to be able to deliver a perfect day, not when the anniversary of Spencer's family's death is the same day as his birthday, but he still wants things to go smoothly so that he can deliver what he hopes is still a wonderful day for his husband. There's nothing about the day he wants to ignore, so his plans have been made with room to visit the cemetery if that's what Spencer chooses to do, but it will be entirely up to him.

Although he's still in bed, he's been awake for some time now, running over any last minute details and revisiting the schedule. There's no reason for it, he has the entire day planned out perfectly, and when Spencer drapes his arm over Joel's waist and kisses his shoulder, he smiles and presses back against him in the bed. For a moment he's tempted to forgo the entire schedule and just stay here in bed with his husband for as long as they can manage it, but that thought only lasts the briefest of moments when he remembers exactly what this day is going to bring them. He's taken care not to plan too much, just in case all Spencer wants is the quiet, but he's already certain his husband is going to like what they're going to be doing. He's so certain that he thinks he might not even tell Spencer, just let him figure it out as they drive back to Wilton and see the town for the first time since they were married in it.

"Good morning," he murmurs, reaching up to squeeze Spencer's arm tighter around him. "Happy Birthday."

It's a hard day. It's probably always going to be a hard day, but Joel can shoulder that with ease. He can do this every year, try to find some way to make it a little easier, always incorporating their family and their friends if it becomes something they need to do. For now it's just the three of them, he'd asked Charlotte to let them be for the day besides swinging by before they left just to make sure nothing has been left on the front porch or painted on their garage. Since she hasn't texted him, he can only assume they're in the clear, which does wonders toward lightening Joel's heart.

"I made plans," he admits, turning in the circle of Spencer's arms so he can face him. "I don't want to tell you what we're going to be doing yet, but I think you'll like it. All I'm going to do now is get up and shower. Can you get Dane dressed and then we'll switch off and you can get ready? You don't have to wear anything special, but you're going to want to pack an overnight bag for yourself and for the baby."

And while Spencer is getting ready, Joel is going to make them breakfast sandwiches and put fresh brewed coffee in their travel mugs, as well as getting Dane's bottle ready for him. He's already put aside enough food for Dane for the entire trip, little containers of cereal and mashed vegetables and teething cookies. Everything he seems to like that Joel knows will make a horrible mess wherever they are, but he doesn't care. They deserve something like this. Dane's playpen and portable mattress are already in the trunk of the car along with blankets so they can put him down wherever they end up for the night, although Joel has his hopes pinned in the same hotel they'd stayed at the night of their wedding.

"We have time to stop by the cemetery if you want to," he adds, then brushes a kiss over Spence's cheek. "But only if you want to."