[closed for joel] backdated to march 9

[doublethepain]

No matter how much he may try to distract himself, no matter how happy he is with his family, this is always going to be a difficult day.

It's not for lack of trying, of course. Since the weekend, Spencer has noticed Joel doing his best to be casual about going out of his way to get to the mail first, to be the one to volunteer to take the dog out in the mornings while Spencer tends to the baby, to send Charlotte on strange missions to get them lunch or coffee that always take her longer than would be normal to do. He knows what his husband is doing, there's no question of it, and more than that, Spencer loves Joel so much for it.

Last year, Joel had managed to keep any letters filled with hate and accusations at the wayside, had kept them from slipping through the cracks. He's done an excellent job of it this year, too, though Spencer supposes he can't be certain any had been delivered at all. There hasn't been any graffiti on their garage doors, no shouting from across the street on their walks to the store, and in the absence of all that, Spencer is only made hyperaware of the approaching day.

He's thirty-one now, he thinks, staring up at the ceiling as he lies next to his husband in bed. It's been a few hours since he'd woken up with the sun, hardly a surprise, considering the nightmare that'd disturbed him in the middle of the night. Joel had been woken, too, much to Spencer's dismay, and it'd only been after getting up to make sure Dane was still safely asleep in his crib that he'd felt even close to being able to attempt getting back to sleep. He'd managed to succeed for a little while, which is remarkable in itself, but now, Spencer is realizing that he's going to have to actually face the day ahead.

Last year had been incredible, the bouncy castle a surprise that Spencer will cherish in his memory forever because it'd been the first time in the past few years that he'd been able to enjoy his birthday. He has no doubts that his husband has planned something just as wonderful this year, and Spencer shifts onto his side to drape an arm over Joel's waist and press a kiss to his shoulder. His heart is heavy, there's no escaping that, but at the same time, things are different now. Not only does he have his husband, he has his son, an entire family that's brought him so much more joy than he'd ever though he could have. So as difficult a day as this will be, Spencer still knows he'll get through it. With Joel and Dane at his side, he can get through anything.

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[just_another]

The smile that blooms across Joel's face is wide and genuine, the one that's really reserved for Spencer, their baby, and Joel's family. Not many other people see that sort of smile on his face and he glances over at his husband as he signals to turn off onto the exit, pleased that he hasn't had to say anything. He had figured Spencer would realize what was going on as soon as he saw one of the signs and, if he was too distracted, as soon as they actually got into the town, he would recognize where they were, and it make Joel's chest feel warm and full to know his husband now knows where they're going. It's going to be a good few days, he's going to make sure of that and he nods at Spencer's questions.

"The church first. I thought we might be able to duck inside with Dane for a bit, show him where we got married and then exchange our rings back again." Quietly, of course, because everything they do tends to be on the quiet side, which is what they truly prefer. Even if there are others in the church already, which there very well may be in the middle of a day like today, Joel doesn't think anyone will pay much attention to the two men who mind their own business. He isn't sure if Matthew is going to be there or if they won't see him until later, at their planned lunch.

"I have the same hotel room booked, which is why I made sure to pack Dane's playpen in the trunk. He'll be able to sleep there tonight or we can just take him into the bed with us." He's big enough now that Joel doesn't worry about rolling over and squishing him in the night, a fear that had kept Joel awake many nights, even on the ones when Dane hadn't been so fussy he'd needed to be taken into bed with them. Even when their son had been in his crib, there had been times when Joel would wake up in a panic, convinced he had rolled over and crushed their tiny child. It doesn't plague him so extensively any longer and now he finds himself looking forward to those evenings he can fall asleep with Dane cradled warm against him.

"We also have some lunch plans that have been made," he admits, grinning shyly over at Spencer. "I spoke to Matthew on the phone not long ago and he insisted we have lunch with him and Ben and Irene. I told him not to make too big a deal about it, but he said they would want to see us and to be honest, I would really like to see them again, too." They had ended up being such a huge part of one of the most important days in their relationship and he's rather excited to see them again, to introduce them to Dane. Joel has never thought of himself as being particularly easy to get to know, he's far from an open book, choosing to keep most things to himself, but they'd had to share the day simply by nature of the law, and he's glad it had had been that way. If it wasn't going to be something they shared with his family, he's pleased there are others who were there with them.

"I didn't think you'd mind," he says. "It's just lunch and I think they'd really like to meet Dane."

[doublethepain]

The church, Matthew, Ben, Irene, the hotel--Spencer's mind is spinning at hearing about Joel's plans but in the best possible way because when he'd woken up this morning, this isn't remotely what he'd expected. Of course, he'd anticipated Joel's attempt to do all he could to make this day memorable, to turn this into a day worthy of celebration rather than mourning, just like he had last year; but Spencer can't believe the extent to which his husband has gone to do all this. For a moment, he just stares out the window, trying to swallow down the lump in his throat in favor of forming words, but he doesn't know what to say quite yet. It still baffles him every once in awhile, that he'd been fortunate to meet this man, fortunate to be the one Joel had chosen to love, to marry, to spend the rest of his life with, considering all the other options his husband could have gone for instead.

Joel is an absurdly attractive man, there's never been a time that people haven't done double-takes while they'd walked hand-in-hand down the street, it's not as if he would have had difficulty finding someone who'd want to go out with him; but even as he thinks that, Spencer knows it wouldn't have happened. It's not because of Joel's reputation as the grumpy, reclusive bookshop owner, not even because of the way Joel hadn't let most people get too close to him; it's because they're meant to be together, he's believed that for a long time now. They'd met at exactly the right time, both of them in a position in their lives that'd allowed them to give in to their feelings for each other, feelings neither of them had experienced for anyone in a long time. Or ever, in Spencer's case.

The ring that's going to go back on his finger today is just one symbol of the unbreakable connection between them, the column of energy that only Joel can see another. Spencer wonders how long that column had really been there, whether it's been there all along, just waiting to reveal itself, or whether it'd only been activated when they'd finally crossed paths. Either way, he knows with absolute certainty that the column will never dim, that they'll always find their way back to each other, no matter what. Mark, the island, the demon, Roman, they'd all served as obstacles, but he and Joel had overcome every single one. Their love, the love they have now for their son, they're stronger than anything Spencer has ever known, and he feels it so deeply within him. Every time he thinks he couldn't possibly love his husband and child any more than he already does, his heart seems to expand, as it's doing right now.

"I don't mind," Spencer finally manages to say, which is an enormous understatement. "I-- I don't even know what to say, it's overwhelming. In a good way, of course, it's just that I had no idea this is what we'd be doing today, and I'm trying to wrap my head around the reminder that I really do have the most incredible husband in the world." Before Joel had come along, Spencer had hardly been an enviable figure in Siren Cove; now, though, it occurs to him that he has so much of what so many people want. A loving husband, a passionate marriage, a beautiful little boy, a home and business they call their own, it's really amazing to think of how far they've both come within just a couple years.

"Said husband is going to find out just how grateful I am when we get to that hotel, for the record," Spencer continues, maintaining an innocent expression until the corners of his lips turn up into a coy smile. "Had to get that out before we met up with the priest who married us."

[just_another]

As he drives, Joel stifles a laugh, not wanting to wake Dane, who has begun to doze in the back. Ever since their relationship had begun, he and Spencer had fit in every possible way. They're on the same level emotionally, they have similar intellects -- though Joel would usually argue that Spencer is far more intelligent than he could ever have any hope of being himself -- and their physical need for one another has always been something they've shared on the same level as well. There's rarely a night when one of them is feeling especially amorous that the other isn't and they both seem to be the sort of tired that only allows for falling into bed on the same days. They've found a rhythm, they're in sync in every possible way, and there are times when Joel still finds himself utterly bewildered by the fact that this has happened to him. He's so lucky and he knows he is.

"You don't think Matthew knows exactly what we'll be doing when we check into that hotel room tonight?" he asks with a teasing grin, flipping on his signal and turning the car down the long, idyllic street that will take them to the church at the end. As he expected there are more people out on the sidewalks today, more people moving around, enjoying the crisp, early spring air, but the only people Joel has eyes for are in this car with him. That's how he's always going to feel and perhaps it leaves him a little bit one-tracked, maybe others might claim he needs to branch out a little more, but he doesn't think so. This is where his love is, this is where his entire life is.

He turns the car into the church parking lot and he can tell a few people are looking in their direction, curious as to who the strangers are, but for the most part they're ignored, which is how Joel prefers it. He pulls into a space at the furthest end of the lot, then puts the car in park and turns it off before he takes off his seat belt and turns to look back at Dane. With the car stopped their son is opening his eyes again and he waves his hands at Joel, gurgling at him in a way Joel has long since determined means he's hungry. This is strange sometimes, too, but he loves it, he loves that he's learned what Dane's sounds mean, what his cries tell them he wants, but also what his laughter and his smiles and the little sounds he makes that are almost words all mean, too. For awhile he had worried he would fail their son somehow, but now he feels better about what they're doing with each and every passing day.

"You get him out of his seat and I'll get one of the bottles from the bag in the back," he says. "I think he needs to eat before we head inside. I don't want him to deciding to shriek down the walls once we're inside a church, of all places." Joel isn't a religious man, he doesn't believe in god, doesn't find religion particularly compelling beyond being a work of fiction, but he's respectful of others and their beliefs all the same. Hauling a screaming baby into the church when there may be others using it is definitely not how he wants to begin their day in this town that had been so good to them on the day they'd gotten married.

Joel gets out of the car and goes to the trunk, digging around in Dane's diaper bag until he finds one of the bottles. It's cool, but he knows by now that Dane doesn't mind that and he heads around to the side of the car where Spencer is unstrapping their son from his seat, and for a moment Joel just watches. He's the luckiest man in the world, there's nothing that can convince him otherwise, not when he's so happy and so in love with such a wonderful person.